This is a series of Usenet posts pulled off Google Groups, hence the censored email addresses. The testimonial made it into ABL #1 and was re-posted several times to different groups with slight edits. Some of the later posts archived here were not in response to the exact first post, but were replies to a copy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: k...@engr.latech.edu (Kenneth S. Guillory) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor,rec.arts.tv,talk.rumors Subject: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Date: 11 Mar 1993 22:22:07 GMT Organization: Louisiana Tech University Lines: 44 Distribution: world Message-ID: <1noe2f$ls1@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> Reply-To: k...@engr.latech.edu NNTP-Posting-Host: alcor.engr.latech.edu Keywords: Barney,dinosaur,purple,evil,die,die,die My first encounter with Barney was seeing one of his commercials while eating breakfast one morning. "He's big, He's purple, He's your best friend. He's BARNEY!!" kept echoing through my mind as I stood in horror, helplessly entranced by the dancing purple mass on my TV. At that moment, I heard a noise outside which disturbed the evil spell long enough for me to break free and realize what was happening. It was then I became aware that no one was safe, and that I must find others who are able to comprehend the potential threat Barney is to our very way of life. There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our wrongs and take whatever actions necessary to correct our misdoings. Barney the dinosaur is one of the most hideous creations of modern American culture and as such, he MUST be destroyed. The termination of Barney must therefore become a goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only united can we protect our children and stop his evil reign! FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE - Just turn down volume on the TV the next time Barney appears. Striped of his music ( such as the 'I love you, you love me' brainwash chant, one of his most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness immediately becomes visible. I assure you, if you try this, you will feel a chill as you watch the demonic blob silently moving its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before you. After a moment to recover your composure, you too will realize what must be done. There is an Anti-Barney League, and I urge you to support for their cause. Send your mail to Kill-Barney-Sub...@spectrx.saigon.com Remember my friends, He's Big. He's Purple. He must be destroyed. Shane Guillory ---- Shane Guillory Dept of Biomedical Engineering k...@engr.latech.edu Louisiana Tech University -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Feel the urge to put excessively cute little quotes into your .sig? JUST SAY NO! If you or one of your friends is frequently plagued by this tendency, Help IS available, even for those with multi-page .sigs. Personal and group therapy are also available on an out-patient basis. Ask me how. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= From: bout...@isis.cshl.org (Tom Boutell) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor,rec.arts.tv,talk.rumors Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Date: 12 Mar 1993 01:43:24 GMT Organization: Cold Spring Harbor Labs Lines: 21 Distribution: world Message-ID: <1noprsINN8si@phage.cshl.org> References: <1noe2f$ls1@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: isis.cshl.org Keywords: Barney,dinosaur,purple,evil,die,die,die In article <1noe2f$...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> k...@engr.latech.edu writes: >My first encounter with Barney was seeing one of his commercials while >eating breakfast one morning. "He's big, He's purple, He's your best I love you. You love me. We're the modern stone age family. From the. Town of bedrock. Where everybody reads t.b. -T And the worst part is, they *post* -- Tom Boutell, bout...@cshl.org Live from Babel Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor,rec.arts.tv,talk.rumors From: j...@audiolab.UWaterloo.ca (jeff bamford) Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Message-ID: Keywords: Barney,dinosaur,purple,evil,die,die,die Sender: n...@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca Organization: Audio Research Group, University of Waterloo References: <1noe2f$ls1@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> <1noprsINN8si@phage.cshl.org> Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1993 16:42:16 GMT Lines: 13 In article <1noe2f$...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> k...@engr.latech.edu writes: >My first encounter with Barney was seeing one of his commercials while >eating breakfast one morning. "He's big, He's purple, He's your best We are Barney. You will be assimilated. -- *************************************************************************** * Jeff Bamford j...@sciborg.uwaterloo.ca * * j...@audiolab.uwaterloo.ca -- NeXT Mail welcome * *************************************************************************** Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor,rec.arts.tv,talk.rumors From: sys...@gsusgi2.gsu.edu (Tom Gillman) Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Message-ID: Keywords: Barney,dinosaur,purple,evil,die,die,die Organization: Georgia State University References: <1noe2f$ls1@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> <1noprsINN8si@phage.cshl.org> Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1993 18:10:07 GMT Lines: 20 j...@audiolab.UWaterloo.ca (jeff bamford) writes: >In article <1noe2f$...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> k...@engr.latech.edu writes: >>My first encounter with Barney was seeing one of his commercials while >>eating breakfast one morning. "He's big, He's purple, He's your best >We are Barney. You will be assimilated. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!! >-- >*************************************************************************** >* Jeff Bamford j...@sciborg.uwaterloo.ca * >* j...@audiolab.uwaterloo.ca -- NeXT Mail welcome * >*************************************************************************** -- Tom Gillman, Systems Programmer | "AAAAAGGGGHHHH" Wells Computer Center | -- Any "Classic" Star Trek Security Georgia State University | officer sometime during the show sys...@gsusgi2.gsu.edu | #include Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.arts.tv Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Message-ID: From: m...@batpad.lgb.ca.us (batchelor) Date: Wed, 24 Mar 93 19:55:11 PDT References: <1noe2f$ls1@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> <1noprsINN8si@phage.cshl.org> Distribution: world Organization: The Batchelor Pad X-Newsreader: NWREADER [version 3.02 BETA14 ] Lines: 7 test post ignore please, or fuck you [] --- [] Mike Batchelor <> Long Beach, California [] m...@batpad.lgb.ca.us mike...@qdeck.com From: willi...@cac.stratus.com Newsgroups: talk.rumors,talk.bizarre Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Date: 30 Mar 1993 20:57:33 GMT Organization: Stratus Computer Inc, Marlboro MA Lines: 57 Distribution: world Message-ID: <1pac7t$41b@transfer.stratus.com> References: <1oo1prINNaia@news.gac.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: ziggy.cac.stratus.com In article <1oo1prINN...@news.gac.edu> cpete...@osric.gac.edu (Chad D Peterson) writes: > In article <1993Mar13.052920.29...@escom.com> writes: > > In article <1noe2f$...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> k...@engr.latech.edu > writes: > > >Remember my friends, > > >He's Big. He's Purple. He must be destroyed. > > > > I think I heard he was performing abortions... > > > > There, that should do it. > > > > Al > > Actually this particular Rumor is untrue......The real facts follow...... > Actually this WAS in a local newspaper-- ATHENS, Ohio - The production company for the 'Barney and Friends' television show received complaints yesterday that it's Barney the dinosaur puppet was shown with a Nazi symbol superimposed on its head on an Athens cable access channel. A copyright infrimgement lawsuit is possible. "Superimposing Nazi symbols on Barney's face is extremely offensive. It's very disturbing, very disturbing," said Natalie Stormer of Lyons Group, the show's producer. Nan Mykel, a volunteer at Athens Cable Access Center, said the cable access show was produced by Sean Pogue and Tom Hanlon. Pogue said "There was no conscious attempt to associate Barney with Nazism. We worship Barney the dinosaur. We did a television show which we thought was entertaining. Watch the program and make up your mind. If you don't like the program, don't watch it." Pogue, who has been a student at Ohio University, ran unsuccessfully for Athens mayor in 1991.During the campaign, he told a local newspaper he was running because extraterrestrials told him he'd be "the next mayor of Athens." The program also had a background voice saying "Barneyness is next to godliness," and that Branch Davidian cult members are awaiting a message from Barney. Athens Cable Access Center does not review programming before it airs, and denies all responsibility. ---- Eric Williams EMAIL: willi...@cac.stratus.com Stratus Computer Inc. FAX : (508) 480-9368 Marlboro, Ma. 01752-1298 PHONE: (508) 460-2915 NeXT Mail Welcome... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - | "Your reality is a figment of my imagination." | | UNKNOWN | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - From: d...@fncrd6.fnal.gov (don husby) Newsgroups: talk.rumors,talk.bizarre Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Date: 30 Mar 1993 22:11:57 GMT Organization: FERMILAB, Batavia, IL Lines: 15 Distribution: world Message-ID: <1pagjd$nkh@fnnews.fnal.gov> NNTP-Posting-Host: fncrd6.fnal.gov willi...@cac.stratus.com writes: >.... > > ATHENS, Ohio - The production company for the 'Barney and Friends' >television show received complaints yesterday that it's Barney >the dinosaur puppet was shown with a Nazi symbol superimposed >on its head on an Athens cable access channel. A copyright >infrimgement lawsuit is possible. > "Superimposing Nazi symbols on Barney's face is extremely >offensive. It's very disturbing, very disturbing," said Natalie >Stormer of Lyons Group, the show's producer. >.... So, I don't get it. Is it the Nazis complaining or is it the Barneys? From: spo...@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Sean Pogue) Newsgroups: talk.rumors,talk.bizarre Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Message-ID: <1993Apr8.102507.2140@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu> Date: 8 Apr 93 10:25:07 GMT References: <1oo1prINNaia@news.gac.edu> <1pac7t$41b@transfer.stratus.com> Organization: Ohio University CS Dept,. Athens Lines: 62 In article <1pac7t$...@transfer.stratus.com> willi...@cac.stratus.com writes: >In article <1oo1prINN...@news.gac.edu> cpete...@osric.gac.edu (Chad D Peterson) >writes: >> In article <1993Mar13.052920.29...@escom.com> writes: >> > In article <1noe2f$...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> k...@engr.latech.edu >> writes: >> > >Remember my friends, >> > >He's Big. He's Purple. He must be destroyed. >> > >> > I think I heard he was performing abortions... >> > >> > There, that should do it. >> > >> > Al >> >> Actually this particular Rumor is untrue......The real facts follow...... >> >Actually this WAS in a local newspaper-- > > ATHENS, Ohio - The production company for the 'Barney and Friends' >television show received complaints yesterday that it's Barney >the dinosaur puppet was shown with a Nazi symbol superimposed >on its head on an Athens cable access channel. A copyright >infrimgement lawsuit is possible. > "Superimposing Nazi symbols on Barney's face is extremely >offensive. It's very disturbing, very disturbing," said Natalie >Stormer of Lyons Group, the show's producer. > Nan Mykel, a volunteer at Athens Cable Access Center, said the >cable access show was produced by Sean Pogue and Tom Hanlon. > Pogue said "There was no conscious attempt to associate Barney >with Nazism. We worship Barney the dinosaur. We did a television >show which we thought was entertaining. Watch the program and make >up your mind. If you don't like the program, don't watch it." > Pogue, who has been a student at Ohio University, ran >unsuccessfully for Athens mayor in 1991.During the campaign, he told >a local newspaper he was running because extraterrestrials told him >he'd be "the next mayor of Athens." > The program also had a background voice saying "Barneyness is >next to godliness," and that Branch Davidian cult members are awaiting >a message from Barney. > Athens Cable Access Center does not review programming before >it airs, and denies all responsibility. > > The story also made USA Today and Inside Edition among others. We are the First Church of Barney Dinosaur, Transcendent and through total immersion in Barneyness we have taken control of all national media outlets. All news from now on will be about Barney and the neverending struggle of our church to vanquish all foes of Barney. The will of Barney, not ours, be done. Sean Spo...@ohiou.edu cthu...@mindvox.phantom.com Barney is the Lizard King, he can do anything. -- Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no Newsgroups: talk.rumors,talk.bizarre From: ber...@huey.udel.edu (John Berryhill, Ph.D.) Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Message-ID: <1993Apr9.035316.7456@udel.edu> Sender: use...@udel.edu (USENET News Service) Nntp-Posting-Host: huey.udel.edu Organization: little scraps of paper, mostly References: <1oo1prINNaia@news.gac.edu> <1pac7t$41b@transfer.stratus.com> <1993Apr8.102507.2140@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu> Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1993 03:53:16 GMT Lines: 9 Be VERY careful about violating the Lyons Group copyrights. They are milking Barney for every dollars worth of his purple hide. -- John Berryhill Newsgroups: talk.bizarre From: k...@somehost.net.com (Kenny Paul) Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Message-ID: <1993Mar12.020156.18943@unet.net.com> Keywords: Barney,dinosaur,purple,evil,die,die,die Sender: n...@unet.net.com Nntp-Posting-Host: somehost Organization: Klortho's Beer and Gun Club References: <1noe2f$ls1@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1993 02:01:56 GMT Lines: 13 >FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE - Just turn down >volume on the TV the next time Barney appears. But if I do that I won't be able to hear them lipsyncing... __Lizzard. Slam-dancing to "Barney in Concert". From: bhoug...@sedona.intel.com (Blair P. Houghton) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor,rec.arts.tv,talk.rumors,rec.pets.herp Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Date: 12 Mar 1993 07:20:57 GMT Organization: Intel Corp., Chandler, Arizona Lines: 47 Distribution: world Message-ID: <1npdkpINN83o@chnews.intel.com> References: <1noe2f$ls1@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: nasdaq.intel.com Keywords: Barney,dinosaur,purple,evil,die,die,die In article <1noe2f$...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> k...@engr.latech.edu writes: >( such as the 'I love you, you love me' brainwash chant, one of his >most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness immediately becomes visible. The children danced, awkward and detached. The music shifted. It lost its rhythm and tonal balance. Screeching horns were added to pounded piano groans. As the volume swelled, the empty, flat reflection from Barney's huge eyes receded, and the small but highly tuned intelligence of a hundred-million-year-old carnivore showed through. The children continued dancing, hypnotized by the swooping motions of the mauve tyrannosaur's short, sinewy arms. Barney's primitive visual system could see only moving things, and the children continued dancing, staring at a spot that Barney had vacated several minutes before. His teeth, apparent to the audience only as a phalanx of smooth enamel, grew ridged. They divided into sharp, long, glinting spearheads, spilled between by rivulets of drool. The first child he engulfed on the first bite, and swallowed whole. The second and third squirted blood across the orchestra pit as he chomped them once. The fourth he had to step on the bottom half of, to tear her into two pieces. By the seventh, he was leaving most of them, taking only the soft part in the middle, and by the twelfth he was full. Blood and bits of flesh squeezed under Barney's feet as he walked in the aisles. His head shifted from side to side, mesmerized by the constallation of shifting shapes. He reached the stage and watched the remaining children. Their dance was soothing, rhythmic, enticing. His arms swayed. His teeth receded. His eyes glazed over, leaving a moist trail of satisfied tears on his snout. The music fell into a cheery tempo, and the children danced, a little less awkwardly, and a little more serious. --Blair "Started _Jurassic_Park_ Sunday night. Finished it Wednesday..." Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor,rec.arts.tv,talk.rumors,rec.pets.herp From: mds5...@ritvax.isc.rit.edu Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Message-ID: <1993Mar12.170339.714@ultb.isc.rit.edu> Sender: n...@ultb.isc.rit.edu (USENET News System) Nntp-Posting-Host: vaxc.isc.rit.edu Reply-To: mds5...@ritvax.isc.rit.edu Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology References: <1noe2f$ls1@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu>,<1npdkpINN83o@chnews.intel.com> Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1993 17:03:39 GMT Lines: 37 In article <1npdkpINN...@chnews.intel.com>, bhoug...@sedona.intel.com (Blair P. Houghton) writes: >In article <1noe2f$...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> k...@engr.latech.edu writes: >>( such as the 'I love you, you love me' brainwash chant, one of his >>most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness immediately becomes visible. > .......... > >Blood and bits of flesh squeezed under Barney's feet >as he walked in the aisles. His head shifted from >side to side, mesmerized by the constallation of >shifting shapes. > >He reached the stage and watched the remaining children. >Their dance was soothing, rhythmic, enticing. His arms >swayed. His teeth receded. His eyes glazed over, leaving >a moist trail of satisfied tears on his snout. > >The music fell into a cheery tempo, and the children danced, >a little less awkwardly, and a little more serious. > > --Blair > "Started _Jurassic_Park_ Sunday > night. Finished it Wednesday..." Was there a reason for this reply. I am not sure what it is repling to. Treky and Tabatha N8VFZ P.S. ---- Live long and prosper. From: bhoug...@sedona.intel.com (Blair P. Houghton) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor,rec.arts.tv,talk.rumors Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Date: 15 Mar 1993 01:28:51 GMT Organization: Intel Corp., Chandler, Arizona Lines: 12 Message-ID: <1o0m4jINN5qe@chnews.intel.com> References: <1noe2f$ls1@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> <1npdkpINN83o@chnews.intel.com> <1993Mar12.170339.714@ultb.isc.rit.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: nasdaq.intel.com In article <1993Mar12.170339....@ultb.isc.rit.edu> mds5...@ritvax.isc.rit.edu writes: >In article <1npdkpINN...@chnews.intel.com>, bhoug...@sedona.intel.com (Blair P. Houghton) writes: >>The music fell into a cheery tempo, and the children danced, >>a little less awkwardly, and a little more serious. > > Was there a reason for this reply. I am not sure what it is repling to. >Live long and prosper. I only regret that I didn't put misc.test in the Followup-To: line... --Blair "We can't have everything..." Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor,rec.arts.tv,talk.rumors From: a...@escom.com (Al Donaldson) Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Message-ID: <1993Mar13.052920.29403@escom.com> Keywords: Barney,dinosaur,purple,evil,die,die,die Reply-To: a...@escom.COM (Al Donaldson) Organization: ESCOM Corp., Oakton VA (USA) References: <1noe2f$ls1@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1993 05:29:20 GMT Lines: 10 In article <1noe2f$...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> k...@engr.latech.edu writes: >Remember my friends, >He's Big. He's Purple. He must be destroyed. I think I heard he was performing abortions... There, that should do it. Al From: hamp...@umcc.umich.edu (Kevin Podsiadlik) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor,rec.arts.tv,talk.rumors Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Date: 14 Mar 1993 00:15:32 GMT Organization: UMCC Lines: 13 Distribution: world Message-ID: <1nttf4INNk3c@srvr1.engin.umich.edu> References: <1noe2f$ls1@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: umcc.umcc.umich.edu Keywords: Barney,dinosaur,purple,evil,die,die,die In article <1noe2f$...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> k...@engr.latech.edu writes: >There is an Anti-Barney League, and I urge you to support for their >cause. Send your mail to Kill-Barney-Sub...@spectrx.saigon.com My donation is in the mail, but it will be smaller than previously anticipated. My sources tell me that Raffi is planning on getting back into the biz, and I must divide my resources. -- Kevin J. Podsiadlik | Vaporware Engineer 2nd class | "This 'contribution' the President wants E-mail: hamp...@ais.org | us to make... is it tax deductible?" CompuServe: 71460,3602 | -- Larry Wright Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor,rec.arts.tv,talk.rumors From: a...@world.std.com (Andy G Ihnatko) Subject: Re: Barney the Dinosaur, a testimonial Message-ID: Keywords: Barney,dinosaur,purple,evil,die,die,die Organization: The World Public Access UNIX, Brookline, MA References: <1noe2f$ls1@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> <1nttf4INNk3c@srvr1.engin.umich.edu> Date: Sun, 14 Mar 1993 01:33:43 GMT Lines: 21 hamp...@umcc.umich.edu (Kevin Podsiadlik) writes: >In article <1noe2f$...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> k...@engr.latech.edu writes: >>There is an Anti-Barney League, and I urge you to support for their >>cause. Send your mail to Kill-Barney-Sub...@spectrx.saigon.com To show my solidarity for such a wonderful cause, may I humbly premiere my new .sig: o=============================================================================o | "I Love You, You Love AIEEE! ARRGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YIIII!!!! Haha | | Hyuk hyuk hyuk giggle Oh, Boy! WOOOOH, JEEZUS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIEEEEE!!!! | | Hyul hyuk hyuk...Wow, you _really_ did a _good_ job pecking my eyeballs | | out, Mr. Bluejay!" | | | | -- Barney the Dinosaur gets his eyeballs pecked out by | | rabid bluejays on live television | o--------------------------------------o--------------------------------------o | Andy Ihnatko a...@world.std.com | o======================================o From: jperd...@patchby.speedway.net (John Perdomo) Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy Subject: Re: Barney must die 4/4 Message-ID: Date: Fri, 10 Sep 93 02:13:06 GMT References: <2615.2C8DF427@mechanic.fidonet.org> Organization: The Patchbay BBS, South Pasadena, CA * 818-441-3965 * Lines: 99 X-Newsreader: ZipNews Reader/Mailer v0.92e (Beta) In article <2615.2C8DF...@mechanic.fidonet.org> mgi...@f326.n3603.z1.FIDONET.ORG writes: > > Subject: Barney, a testimonial > > > I solute you brave founders of the Anti-Barney League, and I want > to offer my support for your cause. > > My first encounter with Barney was seeing one of his commercials > while eating breakfast one morning. "He's big, He's purple, He's your > best friend. He's BARNEY!!" kept echoing through my mind as I stood in > horror, helplessly entranced by the dancing purple mass on my TV. At > that moment, I heard a noise outside which disturbed the evil spell > long enough for me to break free and realize what was happening. It > was then I became aware that no one was safe, and that I must find > others. ...................other interesting stuff deleted for brevity............ FUCKIN'- A!!! Finally someone is telling it like it is... I too had a rather horrific Barney experience.... The other day I was invited to a birthday party for my three year old nephew. I was minding my own biz, spiking the Kool-Aid with some Stoly, when who should walk in but, yes, you guessed... KIBO!...errrr, sorry...it was Barney of course, (or what I first assumed to be someone in a Barney suit).Well, naturally I was suspicious from the very start. I immediately took up station behind the pi¤ata and slightly to the left of the table where the b-cake was. At first nothing happened; the pseudo-Barney went through the same vapid antics I expected; he sang, he danced, he led the kids in silly games, etc. Soon; however, I noticed that the kids weren't laughing and shouting anymore, they seemed lethargic and congregated around the purple horror, staring vacuously into that reptilian smile. In a short time all the kids were in a trance-like state, their pupils fully dilated, spittle running down their chins, an idiotic grin slowly spreading on each little face. The odd thing was that not one adult present seemed to notice anything untoward, they carried on with their trivial chit-chat, totally ignoring the strange pall that had fallen over the party. "Barney" also had grown quiet, then ever so slowly the fixed expression in the "mask" began to change, the purple lips opened wider,revealing yellow fangs, the "plastic" button eyes grew larger, hooded, and a red glint crept into them, while needle sharp claws extruded themselves from the padded "gloves". It was when "it" started for the kids that my horrified immobility finally broke. Letting out a blood-curdling scream, I leaped at the Were-Barney; I dove for his mid-section; hoping to knock the wind out of him, but met a solid wall of repulsively soft flesh and hard exoskeleton; the soft, velvet-like "fur" had also mutated into a coarse, fetid pelt. Desperately I searched for a zipper on the massive, heaving back and, finding none, pulled at the head, trying to detect some raving, but human face through the mouth opening. To my horror I only found razor sharp fangs and a grey and incredibly long tongue. Screaming in disgust, I jumped clear of the slashing claws. Barney was now focused on me. He moved quickly, ignoring the bewitched children and the blissfully unaware adults. Slowly but inexorably I was backed against the patio's back fence; I could feel his reeking, super heated breath caress my face. Then, with unbelieving eyes, I watched as a massive, purple headed erection rose slowly from the matted fur in his groin. I searched my pockets desperately for a weapon or something that would at least give me a fighting chance against the horny monstrosity; all of a sudden, my fingers closed around my trusty old PIPE. It had lain patiently and forgotten in my back pocket for more than a year waiting in vain for a head launching, a frop-fest or even just the odd Clench-Conclave. What happened next I only dimly remember. As my fingers touched the PIPE, I felt an enormous, almost hydraulic strength enter my trembling body; the polyester L-suit I was wearing bubbled and and melted, running down my impervious skin like so much maple syrup. An invisible force field seemed to engulf me, reducing the grass for several yards around me to a fine white ash. The Barney-thing recoiled and an indescribable growl emanated from it. Its fur began to smoulder were it contacted my powerful new aura. I took a step forward, my bare feet sinking several inches into the solid ground, a great loony grin spreading slowly on my face as I lit the PIPE. The rich, unmistakable smell of FROP filled the air; then, obeying a silent but unstoppable command I opened my mouth and a voice like a rolling shock wave came from some place deep within me... "EAT ME, BARNEY!!!"; it bellowed "GIVE ME SLACK OR KILL ME!!!" ...that's all I remember; when I regained consciousness I was laid out on my aunt's bed. Everyone said later that I had fainted and insinuated that a half empty bottle of vodka might have had something to do with it...but I knew better. When I walked through the back yard some time later I only found a small, evil smelling purple pool near the back fence. I questioned my aunt about that birthday party some days later and to my surprise she told me that the hired Barney clown had never shown up and she was planning to sue the Party Rentals store were she had made the arrangements. I have a feeling that when she goes to file the complaint, she'll only find an empty lot or maybe a Taco Bell in its place. In the mean time BEWARE OF BARNEY!!!...he's NOT what he appears to be... ========================================================================= THIS STORY IS TRUE!!PLEASE DISSEMINATE AS WIDELY AS POSSIBLE ========================================================================= -- -------------------------- tetragramaton.dobbstwn.edu - /DRE89JNXHSLPPWO038WMS - "Relax in the safety of your own Delusions" - MXJSD80238JSA0922SM-90 - Ngft'gn B'ohandas - MSHS832641-MS0SS-1LS/ - - erc v3.5 - -------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy From: El Alumbrado Subject: Re: Barney must die! Sender: n...@austin.ibm.com (News id) Message-ID: Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1993 18:33:02 GMT Reply-To: El Alumbrado References: <2335.2C764A24@mechanic.fidonet.org> Organization: Los Alumbrados X-Newsreader: IBM OS/2 PM RN (NR/2) v0.17k by O. Vishnepolsky and R. Rogers Lines: 22 Thinking people hate Barney because he epitomizes the thoughtless "we're all the same, we all love each other" banality that the P.C.-pushers embrace so mindlessly. I submit that: 1. We are not all the same. 2. We do not all love each other. To assume otherwise is extremely dangerous both to personal safety and individual liberties. Therefore, children who are unknowingly programmed into accepting the proffered "Barneyist" philosophy are unprepared for the harsh realities of life and will more readily accept the spiritualy toxic Communo-Socialist dogma that will enslave us all if allowed to spread unchecked. -------------------- Thus spake El Alumbrado (who may or may not be serious) From: sam...@aero.org (Fogbound Child) Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy Subject: Re: Barney must die! Date: 24 Aug 93 20:52:21 GMT Organization: The Aerospace Corporation, El Segundo, CA Lines: 47 Message-ID: References: <2335.2C764A24@mechanic.fidonet.org> Reply-To: goldst...@aerospace.aero.org NNTP-Posting-Host: eros.aero.org El Alumbrado writes: >Thinking people hate Barney because he epitomizes the thoughtless >"we're all the same, we all love each other" banality that the >P.C.-pushers embrace so mindlessly. If my understanding of PC is correct, it does not assert that whatsoever. It asserts that 1) we are not the same, and 2) if you don't respect the differences, you're in big trouble buddy, and 3) if you're part of the WhitePaternalOppressorDeathCulture you're incapable of respecting differences by definition (ref. item 2). >I submit that: >1. We are not all the same. >2. We do not all love each other. >To assume otherwise is extremely dangerous both to personal safety >and individual liberties. >Therefore, children who are unknowingly programmed into accepting >the proffered "Barneyist" philosophy are unprepared for the harsh >realities of life and will more readily accept the spiritualy toxic >Communo-Socialist dogma that will enslave us all if allowed to >spread unchecked. Communo-socialism dogma? More like Post-LSD hippy doped-out dinosaurma. ObConsp: A friend asserts that the true motive behind the promotion of "multiculturalism" is an effort by the former majority to convince the former minority that the current minority is in fact the current majority. (parse three times fast before replying) >-------------------- >Thus spake El Alumbrado (who may or may not be serious) ___Samuel___ -- _________I_claim_and_accept_sole_responsibility_for_the_above._SjG.___________ "With young fools the fire is fed | goldstein and who you keep with you is best left unsaid..." | @aerospace.aero.org Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy From: El Alumbrado @ Los Alumbrados Subject: Re: Barney must die! Sender: n...@austin.ibm.com (News id) Message-ID: Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1993 19:20:17 GMT Reply-To: El Alumbrado @ Los Alumbrados References: <2335.2C764A24@mechanic.fidonet.org> Organization: Los Alumbrados X-Newsreader: IBM OS/2 PM RN (NR/2) v0.17k by O. Vishnepolsky and R. Rogers Lines: 45 In sam...@aero.org (Fogbound Child) writes: >If my understanding of PC is correct, it does not assert that whatsoever. >It asserts that 1) we are not the same, and 2) if you don't respect the >differences, you're in big trouble buddy, and 3) if you're part of the >WhitePaternalOppressorDeathCulture you're incapable of respecting differences >by definition (ref. item 2). Your understanding of PC is not correct. Thank you for trying. I did like the "WhitePaternalOppressorDeathCulture" bit, though. Very amusing. And descriptive. Yup, that sure describes me to a "tee". After all: 1. I *am* white (by some peoples definitions, not by others). 2. I *am* a father. 3. I *do* "opress" my children (can't have them stabbing each other when they're annoyed, as I'm sure they otherwise would). 4. I *will* someday die (or did you mean that I was a killer? If this is so, and you can't eliminate me (and indeed you can't), wouldn't it make sense to try not to be noticed by me? At the very least, I would think that you wouldn't want to annoy me.) 5. I *do* have culture (well, at least I eat yogurt). >Communo-socialism dogma? More like Post-LSD hippy doped-out dinosaurma. Well, yes, there *is* that. But, I digress. There was a certain tone to your message that makes me suspect you of Dinophilia. You're not one of those twisted, dino-loving, perverted, conspiratorial, Barneyist sympathizers who are occasionaly found lurking in the shadows attempting to corrupt unsuspecting children, are you? De Opresso Liber -------------------- Thus spake El Alumbrado (who believes that maybe we're staring to take this a bit too seriously)