This is the Frequently Asked Questions file (FAQ) for the newsgroups pertaining to Barney the Purple Dinosaur. (Read Purple Child Molester) Mainly alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die and other groups devoted to insulting, defaming, and otherwise destroying Barney. Most information in this FAQ was collected and sampled by Ford Prefect (ewm6965@zeus.tamu.edu and a really cool and froody dude) who (in the now finished Olympic Tradition) passed the torch onto myself in a way not entirely dissimilar from how a yawn gets passed around a group or maybe even bodily gas. The recent updates have come from me (ddh0739@zeus.tamu.edu a really insane hater of purple). Info with a known source is credited where applicable. Other info comes from common knowledge, more than one source, or is of unknown origin. Disclaimer: All info in this FAQ is the sole responsibility of the person(s) that provided it. It is not the opinion of any of the organization through which individuals access usenet. Version 1.4.1 completed 3/1/94. Questions, suggestions, additions, corrections, etc, etc, etc, can be sent to me via e-mail. Sponge-Minion suggestions will be promptly deleted. CONTENTS: (for you spongies reading this, this is what is contained in the FAQ and is not a large land mass) I. Background and Terminology II. Original Anti-Barney Organizations III. Original Sponge Minions Note: the celebrity opinions section has moved to the appendices Appendices are in a separate file and will include I) More warriors involved in the Jihad A. Members true to the cause B. Celebrity opinions of Barney II) Creative stuff and references A. Insulting names B. Song parodies C. Stories III) Misc. A. Barney Trivia _______________________________________________________________________________ I. Background Who/What is Barney? Barney is a non-animated (read a poor shmuck in a suit) purple dinosaur who hosts a PBS children's T.V. show called "Barney and Friends." He has two companion dinosaurs on the show named Baby Bop and B.J. Baby Bop is a green ceratopsian while B.J. is Baby Bop's big brother, yellow and nobody knows _what_ it is. There is also a cast of children ranging from about 6 to 12 years of age that play games and sing songs with Barney (ugghh!). A ten minute radio show called "Bedtime with Barney" is also in the works [ J.B. Taylor, taylorjb@ctrvx1]. The following is copied from a children's coloring book called "Barney's Protect Our Earth Coloring Book" I thought it might give some background on Barney and I am confused about some of the information given. Vital Statistics ----------------- AGE: Timeless BIRTHPLACE: Dallas, TX (A real Texan!) FAVORITE SONG: Sex Little Ducks; I was great in that one! FAVORITE PIGOUT FOOD: Peanut butter and jelly FAVORITE SPORT: Baseball - I'm really good with long sticks! NOBODY KNOWS I'M: Best friends with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny but I don't know why they won't admit it :( I WANT TO TEACH: You how to use your imagination; then I can come to molest you anytime! I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO: Face the power and might of the Jihad I LIKE TO: Plan surprises, go on adventures, grant wishes, and have fun with you in my special kingdom of the dammned. PERSON I ADMIRE MOST: My granddad, Tyrannosaurus Rex WHERE I LIVE: In your worst nightmare! I THINK THIS SPEAKS VOLUMES FOR WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR CHILDREN TODAY Why do people hate Barney? (besides the obvious and the part above) Besides what people with Functioning Cerebrums(tm) can discern for themselves, people bring up the following objections. 1) Barney presents a candy-coated, unrealistically nice view of the world. 2) Barney tells kids that if they act like perfect little people everything will be allright even when it isn't 3) Barney warps the lyrics of traditional children's songs with his own sickeningly sweet (per-)versions. 4) Barney is over-merchandised Note on #4, a decline in sales was noted nationwide during the last big holiday season.:) What are the Barney related newsgroups for? alt.tv.barney is supposedly the original. Intended for just plain talking about Barney, it has now become another bashing group according to Jason Braunwarth [jason@vax!.mankato.msus.edu]. This cannot be verified by me since our server does not pick up that group. The large numbers of Barney haters proceeded to create: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die alt.tv.dinosaurs.barney.die.die.die alt.tv.dinosaur.barney.die.die.die alt.sex.bestiality.barney alt.tv.barney.die.die.die alt.exploding.barney (a purist group?) These groups insult Barney's being, trade stories, jokes, and other info about him. People attempting to defend Barney's ways but are flamed and/or sometimes killed. (See Gerry-bot) From the previous FAQ the traffic on the various groups is as follows: a.b.d4= Heavy a.t.d.b.d3= medium a.t.ds.b.d3= low a.s.2b= low and is not as perverted as it sounds. a.e.b= ? a.t.b.3d= ? What is a Sponge Minion? People who are subject to Barney's rule, are physically attracted to him, or try to defend him in any way. By siding with Barney they have given up control of their brain, letting it turn to "sponge" and hence the name. Basically, anyone not using the Functioning Cerebrum(tm) they were born with or going against the Jihad and other Anti-Barney groups. Why the trademarks? The Jihad (full name: The Jihad Against Barney) has trademarks on certain words while not allowing the Sponge Minions to have any, so there! _______________________________________________________________________________ II. Anti-Barney Organizations A. The Jihad 1) Summary This original mock-fanatic group is one of the largest such groups on usenet. Its primary goal is the permanent destruction of Barney by waging a "Holy War". Secondary goals include the destruction of Baby Bop and B.J. and the return of cerebrum function to the spongies. JIHAD and WE refer to the collective group and are capatalized for emphasis. Plus it scares the heck out of the spongies when you yell at them! Joe Voorhees [voorhees@sdd.hp.com] claims the High Prophet has declaired Barney the epitome of Hate and destroyer of (amoral) Atlantis, after which his power was limited to indirect effects untill he was able to manifest himself by possessing a Texas housewife to free himself. 2) The Threefold Truth [The High Prophet, aks0692@zeus.tamu.edu] This writing became the basis for the formation of the JIHAD circa 1993. 1) Barney is the demonic incarnation of all hell on earth. 2) Barney seeks to make the world his Purple Kingdom, and does so by corrupting the innocent and weak into Sponge Minions. 3) Barney must be destroyed. All else is irrelevant. 3) The Corrolary Politic [The Mystic Mongoose, aka Robert W. Armstrong, rwa@bilbo.baylor.edu] This writing quelled a two month thread on the question of Rush Limbaugh having a secret Barney identity. 1) Barney is not political. Barney is neither Republican nor Democratic, liberal nor conservative. Barney is hell-spawned evil. "...Barney doesn't believe in politics" -Beth Ryan of Lyons Group, the company that produces Barney, quoted by Scott Shephard of Cox news service. 2) Since there is political dissension even among Jihaddi, who have Functioning Cerebrums(tm), political opinion cannot be used to decide Jihad matters. The Jihad is apolitical: It merely seeks to destroy Barney. 3) Political are ephemeral when compaired with the potentially eternal evil of Barney. We must focus on the eradication of Barney. 3a) This especially means that no topics of political significance are to be discussed on a.b.d4, except in a joking manner. 3b) This especially applies to Rush Limbaugh who is indubitably political. 3c) Since Rush Limbaugh is political and Barney is not, Rush cannot be Barney. 4) However, when politicians, such as Rush, actually discuss Barney it is appropriate to comment on those statements in order to determine whether or not those individuals are Sponge Minions. 5) When in doubt, refer to the Threefold Truth, especially part three. Wayne M. Syvinski, syvinski@badlands.NoDak.edu writes: In the spirit of keeping the Jihad alive and well, I offer, from my stores of anti-B'harni philosophical wisdom, the Threefold Corollary. ========================================================================= 1. B'harni cannot survive without sponge-minions. 2. Sponge-minions cannot survive without B'harni. 3. The aforementioned two statements implies a feedback relationship between B'harni and its sponge-minions. Therefore, attacks against sponge-minions will weaken B'harni, and attacks against B'harni will weaken sponge-minions. Therefore, attacks against either are effective. ========================================================================= 5. Original Jihad Leaders Location | Leader ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Texas A&M | The High Prophet | Vanderbilt | St. Kressja the undeceived, kressja@ctrvx1.vanderbilt.edu | Executive director R.E.N. and formerlythe Owsen Search & | Help Intercept Team (O.S.H.I.T.) | Kansas State | Lord Tilden Owsen, tilden@matt.ksu.ksu.edu | Wielder of the Barney Slayer (Not currently on Usenet) | Delphi Online | St. Julie Liles the Relentless Avenger, julie@delphi.com | ? | Julie (Kangas) the Mahdi (Need More Info) | Baylor | The Mystic Mongoose aka Robert W. Armstrong, | rwa@bilbo.baylor.edu | North Dakota | The RushClone, Wayne M. Syvinski, State | syvinski@badlands.nodak.edu | Chief Sage and Philosopher; Wise One and Unhealthy | Dietitian Founder of the Jihad College of Philosophy. | N.C. State | Manoj Kasichainula, mvkasich@eos.ncsu.edu | Southern Cal | Chief Holy Officer Peter Pan, hagg@girtab.usc.edu | Simon Fraser U | Jennefer (Anne Laidley) the Valiant, | laidley@fraser.sfu.edu Mistress of the East Van Jihad | Michigan Tech | Co-Praetor Eric J. Obermeyer, ejoberme@mtu.edu | Drake | Jason S. Quick jsq002@acad.drake.edu | Propaganda Minister/Chief Fundraiser North Central Jihad | Europe | Timothy John Walls of CABINET [(Functioning) Cerebrums | Against Barney in the Northern European Theatre] | tjw1@doc.ic.ac.uk -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- B. Canadian University Students Against Lavender Love (CUSALL) The Canadian equivalent to the Jihad. An organization that has been very successful at fighting some of the worst S-Ms around. Regiment | University | Commander in Chief -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 | Waterloo | Colonel Chris Klein,cdklein@cantor.math.waterloo.ca 2 | Simon Fraser | Leith Lim, chil@fraser.sfu.ca 3 | King's C | ?????????? 4 | Acadia | Kristian MacCall, 002519m@axe.acadiau.ca 5 | McMaster | Peter A.Saulesleja u9114981@muss.cis.mcmaster.ca 6 | Carleton (?) | Jason Derikozis ab960@Freenet.Carleton.CA C. The Bright DAY! Lord Eliezer Shlomo Yudkowsky (phoenix@genesis.mcs.com) says it opposes Barney only because he is boring. Only occasionally does The Bright DAY! take action. Their Beliefs: Non-use of alternate Barney spellings Barney created the Universe and all within it Friends of Barney are Demons/Dragons/and Dinos that have magical powers Loved Ones are innately resistant to these powers Yudkowski claims being a FOB until it got boring Yudkowski and other Avatars of The Bright DAY! are nothing but direct manifestations of the Bright DAY! A pessimistic view of the future For more info contact him and ask for the Bright DAY! FAQ D. The Church of the Anti-Barney Incarnate Members beleive in the physical exsitance of the Anti-Barney and worship him. They refer collectively to Barney and his followers as The Cult of Purple, have their own conspiracy theory on how Barney plans to take over the world, and help fund the Pangea Reunification Front. Possible Anti-Barneys include Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes), Howard Roark, G.G. Allin, Denis Leary, Elvis, Grimace, and Snoopy but this has been denied by Kevin the I. Kevin the I: Leader (although beleived deceased) , Anti-Pope, and Infallible Guardian of Truth (kde9535@zeus.tamu.edu) May lead in the same way as L. Ron Hubbard leads his followers. The Mystic Mongoose, Ultimate Prophet and current leader of COTABI. He claims Kevin was impersonated in Nov 1993 by his S-M twin bother Nivek. Nivek tried, between Kevin's death and resurrection, to change COTABI into the Church of LUV. Mongoose said that Kevin's resurrection was really only of the spirit and happened only to rid the world of Nivek, but now Kevin is really gone. E. TRES TRES is the descendent of many a world spanning hermetically spawned, Templar-wannabee acolytic, Masonish, Illuminated, and truly all-pervasive world conspiracies. We claim that we created Barney (pref. spel. Barn'hei-T --Treacly Troglodytic Traitor) in a massive plot to take over the world and to immanitize the eschaton. We claimed that nano-tech devices would seep into the brains of many a JIHADii, but, unlike Jason Kodish, our predecessor in many ways, we respected our foes and treated them with courtesy appointed under the Geneva Convention. In an absolutely startling move late in October, Barn'hei turned traitor and attacked our many bases throughout the World. The Organization took over during the winter months of 1993 into 1994 while TRES recouped Strength and mission in the asteroid belt of A. Centaurus. We returned in late January of 1994, and the first action we took place in was the bombardment of McGill. Two sites exist as the source for TRES postings (to our knowledge) chatstuf@illuminati.io.com (how appropriate) djg7@crux1.cornell.edu and perhaps sometimes, tbs1@cornell.edu, when Todd Stevens of the Organization and TRES get arounf to posting. TRES stand for Templi Resurgentes Equites Synarchici *or* The Synarchic Knights of Templar Resurgent and our motto is: EGO SUM QUI SUM and we lift a lot of our material from Umberto Eco "Foucault's Pendulum" However, lots of it is our own stuff, researching Zohar and Cabala, and other hermetic or millenial texts. The FAMA or Rosicrucian Manifesto is our real-life exploration tools at the moment. Secret Societies are FUN! F. Doberman Empire Some empire info: Ranks: with each increase in rank you recieve an additional name. The current order of rank is from greatest to least: Trooper Warrior Centurion Commander Fleet Commander Supreme Master The Doberman High Council is composed of those of Commander rank and higher. Official deity of the Empire: Grimace Official colors: black, brown and orange Official Breed: We hold that the Doberman Pinscher is the dog that best typifies the qualities we hold dear, namely honor, duty, bravery, loyalty, and fierceness. Hence we take our name from it Who is a member? All Doberman Pinschers, owners thereof, and other individuals who petition the High Council for membership Subset ranks: FERRET = Frigid Environment Rapid Reconnaisance Espionage Trooper WALRUS = Water Attack Land Raiding Utility Soldier MEDIC = Medical Emergency Disaster Insurgence Centurion Current enemies of the Empire: B#rney the Dinosaur, the Home Shopping Club, QVC, Commander Serbeus's ex-girlfriend Christine. Current Troopers on internet Fleet Commander Serbeus: sthornst@zebu.cvm.msu.edu Warrior Machiavelli: 008025a@axe.acadiau.ca (also Trooper Anubis) Warrior Vespasian: rossel@scf.usc.edu (also Trooper Dionysus) Trooper Bigwig: csmle@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu Trooper Serrasalmus: cutw1@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu (also Commander of BEAM, another anti-B#rney group) Trooper Prometheus: saeg0002@maroon.tc.umn.edu Trooper Grendel: xot@student.umass.edu (currently inactive) Trooper Osiris: windigo@iglou.iglou.com aka Windigo the Feral(NYAR!) Jihad, Grimace, and Honor Steven E. Hornstein ## ## aka Grand Admiral Thrawn ## *_* ## ###*(_)*### ## * * ## ## ## G. Santa-Cruz Anti-B'harne Task Force (SCABTF) Here's the Official Santa Cruz Anti-B'Harne Task Force FAQ Blurb[tm]: The Santa Cruz Anti-B'Harne Task Force is a secret anti-B'Harne society operating out of Santa Cruz, California and protecting the entire Northern California area against the Scourages of Purple. Our mission is clear: the eradication of B'Harne. Since our inception in the fall of 1993, our UseNet efforts have included the Holiday Merchandising Committee (MerchCom[tm]) that goes undercover to monitor and evaluate retail stores on the level and availability of Evil B'Harne Hell Merchandise on their shelves. We have also papered the Santa Cruz area with flyer propaganda, and have played a key role in the elimination of the Gerry-Bot. Our membership, for the most part, remains secret, to prevent claims of political correctness by sponge-apathetic Santa Cruz residents. The Grand Marshall, David Brogden (dcbrogde@cats.ucsc.edu) posts on Usenet to represent the organization's membership electronically. We are currently constructing a WorldWide Web page on the Jihad movement; when it has been completed, the http address will be posted to alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die. For more information on MerchCom '94 and other SCABTF activities, send e-mail today. --Dave, Grand Marshall, Santa Cruz Anti-B'Harne Task Force at UC Santa Cruz _______________________________________________________________________________ III. Original Sponge Minions (* absent, converted or destroyed) *Gerry-Bot (dpgp058@musica.mcgill.ca) The most frequent pro-Barney poster on various groups. He started by acting as Barney's image of the ideal nice guy. His bot qualities showed when he began to mention Barney take-over plans. He was "online" as of May 1993. He was first to tell us about the apparent Barney movie coming in 1995. The first attempt at fighting the Jihad was by an unsuccessful robot called The Enforcer od Barney which would kill Barney haters in the service of The Alliance of Love. The Enforcer turned out to be some X-rated GIFs. The RushClone posted E-mail supposedly from Gerry to Kressja in which he comented on his wrong doing and vowed to commit suicide before Barney could regain control over him. No change actually occured. In Nov 1993 Gerry-Bot left the net to execute plan 666. During this time the real Gerry posted through his account from Gerry Spataro (gerrys@ums1.lan.mcgill.ca) claiming 1) Gerry-Bot was really a bot created by Gerry S. after being paid large sums of money from an anonymous source. The bot went online May 26 1993. 2) Recently the bot had become corrupted (thus the deviant behavior it had exhibited) and had self destructed (presumed to be Plan 666) 3) Gerry was then blackmailed into creating another bot with "improved resistance to reality"(-GerryS.) to be released in December. Shortly after this posting Gerry-Bot and an apparent clone (dpgd057) sent test messages in punchcard language JCL. Gb archived all the messages from the old GB's runtime but the attempt to transfer this info resulted in the second bot's sending "I Hate You' and ABEND. According to Gerry S. GB was on a network of Timex Sinclair 1000s and could be shut down with the phrase "Barney is not Purple". The second bot was running on an IBM mainfram and was named after Michael Jackson. J-Rock (jjr5020@zeus.tamu.edu) was successful in shutting down the first bot. Spataro attributes the phoney re-boot and Michaels waking up to himself. The final chapter in the Gerry-Bot saga came when Hornstein and Brogden posted personal E-mail where Gerry talked about his disgust for the "Purple One". In a personal communicatin with me, Gerry said he has never liked Barney but posted this stuff to give us flame bait and keep the group going by having a good enemy. The Michael bot is really a co-worker (Michael Crawford) of Gerry. According to Gerry, Michael really does like Barney but has never been seen with any Barney merchandise. John Frederick Kuhne (jkuhne@trentu.ca) Believes Barney is good for kids Rraven/ Jason Koresh (Kodish) (jkodish@muskwa.ucs.ualberta.ca) He caimed once to renounce Barney and that those who claim to be ANTI-Barney are really closet Barney lovers. Thus the nickname Koresh. This crap about us being closet Barney lovers was one of the many un-original ideas re-hashed by Mr. (Dis)Honorable Christopher L. Stamper (clstampe@rodan.syr.edu) The strangest S-M around. Claims all Barney haters are really androids from the planet TECKFARP *Wart (wart@ucgs.caltech.edu) Sig includes Barney lyrics. Another one ripped off by Dis-honorable *Deathdog (bwe9961@zeus.tamu.edu) Leader of S-M attack on Texas A&M. Flamed out of existance! Hopefully Dis-honorable will copy this too! John W. Byrd (jdbyrd@well.sf.ca.us) Feels Barney is a harmless cartoon character and all haters of him are "geeks" The Mouth of B'harne (dlericks@midway.ecn.uoknor.edu) Claims Jihadi will be deystroyed painfully. studentuser@duckmail.uoregon.edu claims to be Barney. *Mr. (Dis)Honorable: Known for never having an original idea in his days on the net, was killed by a Solar Ishtari velociraptor squad. His colon sits in a jar in Solar Ishtari's apartment, as well as his head. Any current posts containing his name are another bot program from Barney that was created to save him. According to Solar Ishtari, once Barney gets a hold of a human mind there is so little left it can be run with GW-BASIC on a TRS-80! Michael (Mikie) Crawford: A co-worker of Gerry Spataro. Gerry claims Mike got interested after seeing Gerry post. Also, while Gerry claims to have never liked Barney, he also claims Mike does. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's all for now. Look for a new improved version in a couple of weeks. Be sure that if you deem anything relevent to the FAQ that you e-mail it to me for prompt inclusion. Netdoc, no sigs i don't smoke CONTENTS OF THIS FAQ ________________________________________________________________________________ E. Others name | comments | leader(s) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- Barney Abuse Resistance Education (allied with | Manoj Kasichainula Partnership for a Barney-Free North America) | -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- BCSU | B'harne Covert Surveillance | Marc Coen | Unit |(mjcoen3@acs3.bu. | | edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- BEAM | B'harnee Eradication Ass'n of | Cmdr. Jack Skellington | the Midwest | (cig0278@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- B'harne Genocide | affiliated with Texas A&M | Director/Chief Deprogrammer | | Division | | J-Rock (jjr5020@zeus.tamu. | | edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- BIGONE | Bh*'rne Intelligence Gathering | Director Moonflake | Organization of New England | (mleblanc@world.std.com) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- Boulder | His Most Majestic Eminence, Grand Inquisitor Bill Hovingh Inquisition | (wjhovi01@ulkyvx.louisville.edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- Children of the | | Lord Cpt.Cmdr. Jeremy Light in | | Hallum B'harne's Eyes | | (belgarath@vax1.mankato. | | msus.edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- CIABTF | Central Illinois Anti-B'harnee | C in C Jack Skellington | Task Force, Eastern Illinois U | -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- Cult of Grimace | ? | ? -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- DIEMAUVEPEDERAST | Death Is Enough: Minnesotans | spokesperson M. Huntington |Against the Ugly Violet Evil and| | People Every-where Doing | (mhuntington@mac.cc. | Everything Reasonably Available| macalstr.edu) | to Stop Them | -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- East Coast | - | John Whitaker (cajwhita@ Killers | | atlas.cs.upei.ca) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- FARTS | Fearsome Armed Response | C in C George Curtis, | Tactical Squad | Pinhead the Cenobite | | (uh119@ | | freenet.victoria.bc.edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- HOSTILITY | Hawaii Organization of Slaying | Cmdr. Julian Roberts | Truly Idiotic, Lame, and | | Insipid Tyrannosaurs | (julianr@uhunix.uhcc.hawaii. | for the sake of our Youth | edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- KILL BHARNE | Keweenawans Incensed by | Co-Praetors Eric | Lavender Love- | Obermeyer/ | Brandishing Heroic Armor to | Scott Hudson | Repel and Nuke our Enemies | | (mail Michigan Tech Undergrad | | Student Gov't (usg@mtu.edu) and| | its spongified VP Dave M. Meyer| | (dmmeyer@mtu.edu) | -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- Knights of the | ask Solar Warrior (n020ba@ | ? Raptor | tamvm1.tamu.edu) | -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- Legion of Fire | led by the Keepers of the | Lexipyronius (baileykd@ | Searing Flame | hydra.rose-hulman.edu), | | pletchtd, houstojc -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- MAUL |Minnesotans Against Ugly Lizards| jason@vax1.mankato.msus.edu |Jason is Dictator for life | daniel@vax1.mankato.msus.edu -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- The Organization | praises Jihad and TRES | Cmdr. Todd Stevens, | | Sage the | | Solitary, Bane of B'harne | | (tbs1@cornell.edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- SAD | Sidekicks Against Dinosaurs | Tonto (9315047@info. | (hates Hooked on Phonics) | umoncton.ca) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- Solar Ishtari | see Knights of the Raptor | ? -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- Wicker People | Northern Resistance Sector 001 | Leader Scott L. | | Hudson, Obi- | | Wan (slhudson@mtu.edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- ? | suggested alliance w/DIEMAUVE- | Brian A. LaBounty | | (blabount@ | PEDERAST and/or other unnamed | mutt.hamline.edu) -----------------| Minnesota organizations |----------------------------- |--------------------------------| Puerto Rican Anti| Recently made Doberman | Capt. Rafael Cabrero -Barney | trooper Sidewinder | cabrero@guvax.acc. Liberation Front | Cmdr. Dingo Guard | georgetown.edu -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- Oregon Resistance| Tony Velasquez aka Yoda Maddog | velasquez@ucs.orst.edu -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- Church of Blarney| Fr. Spike and Fr. Random | Russ Whaley rwhaley@charlie | Providers of unhealthy snacks | .usd.edu -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- President USA | C-in-C U.S.Armed Forces | mleyen1@umbc2.umbc.edu | Matthew"Sixshooter"Leyendecker | -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- Vice-Pres. USA | the Demented One Captain | midnite@iastate.edu | Blackheart C-in-C W.E.D.J.E.E. | -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- Texas A&M | Netdoc, discoverer of Purple | ddh0739@zeus.tamu.edu | Luv Drug chemical structure | | and Phd. Jihaddi History | -----------------|--------------------------------|----------------------------- ________________________________________________________________________________ IV. CELEBRITY OPINIONS OF BARNEY Arsenio Hall and Denis Leary have voiced their hatred of Barney on several occasions. Charles Barkley beat Barney up on the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. "Weird Al" Yankovic's parody of "McArthur Park", "Jurassic Park", seems to denounce Barney as unrealistic. In the video, a T-rex eats Barney, almost chokes on him, and thanks to the Heimlich maneuver coughs up his head. [JAQ, jangel@devl.fnal.gov] Mike Judge (creator of Beavis & Butthead) keeps a Barney doll in his office, though his opinion of Barney himself is unknown (he may beat the doll up for stress relief). David Letterman got lots of laughs for including "beating up Barney outside a Galveston Wal-Mart" (or some such) in a Top Ten List, and for including "Barney after getting hit by a 18-wheeler" in a list of Halloween costumes. His saying "yes, I love you too, Barney" after listening to the theme song was probably just sarcasm. [costume info from Brian A. LaBounty; other info from The Beastmaster, ronm@matt.ksu.ksu.edu] Radio host Jerry Springer has defended Barney. No connection between him and GerryBot (see below) has been confirmed at this time. [Scott L. Hudson] According to GerryBot, the president is pro-Barney. Rush Limbaugh has, according to reports, made statements both for and against Barney. In particular, this Clinton joke indicates his recognition of Barney's true evil: "I tax you, you pay me, let's create more de-pen-den-cy!" In light of #3 of the Threefold Truth, Mongoose has discouraged digressions regarding Limbaugh, B&B or anything else. In particular, he countered a running joke that Rush *was* Barney with "Barney is not political, Barney is merely evil; Rush is definitely political, therefore he is not Barney". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- VI. CREATIVE STUFF A. Insulting Titles for Barney Acid-Tripping Purple Dino After-Effects of Nuclear Radiation on Human Life any euphemism for Satan Barf-ney Big Stupid Purple Dorkasaurus Boeotian Butthead Bloated Purple Twat Cheese Bloated Sack of Purple Protoplasm Bloated Slab of Corrupt Blubber Charles Barkley's Punching Bag Dark and Purple One Deadeyes Doppleganger of Satan Enemy of Thinking Human Beings Evil Spawn of Satan Evil Vile Foul Gross Blubbery Purple One Fat Purple Thing Foul Foam F*cker Great (Bruise, Disgusting One, Perverter, Satan of Backstage Fondling) Goofy PC Tree-Hugging Lap Lizard He Who Is Too Disgusting to Behold He Who Controls the Dark "Hell Incarnate" (Quotes must be used. The Truth CAN NOT be pirated!) Indigo Infant Ingester It of the Single White Tooth Jason's Next Victim Jurassic (Jack-Off, Jerk, Juggernaut) King of (Demons, Hell, Purple) Kiss-Up to Educators Everywhere Lavender Lard Lord Leary's Worst Nightmare Lord of the Sponge Minions Magenta (Miscarriage, Moron) Maroon Menace Mauve (Molester, Pederast) Mesozoic Molester Molestasaurus Rex Most Foul Most Heinous Slime Thing from the Dark Recesses of Hell Where He Engages in Strange and Perverted Activities with the Masters of the Foul Sponge Minions Even Though He Is Doomed to Failure Mutant Eggplant One Who Is Too Vile to Mention PBS (Purple Broadcasting Station) Cerebrum Destroyer Pedarastosaurus Polite Putrescent Prehistoric Purple Polyester Pedophile Polyester Pimple Puke Inducer Purple, Plush and Stupid-Looking Purple (Deceiver, Deception, Hand of Darkness, Horror, Lord of Evil, Mind- Controlling Menace, Mutant Demon Princ, Nightmare, Panderer, Pedastosaur, Pedophiliasaurus, Peril, Perversion, Pestilence, Pile of Proctologist Puke, Plush Monster of PBS, Polyproplyne B*st*rd, Poop, Prince of Pedophiles, Pusbag, Pustule, Satan, Scourge, Spawned Demon from Hell, Styrosaur, Waddler that Shambles Like a Humanoid) Putrid Pus-Filled Purple Bloat Bag Satanic Purple Saurian from Hades Satan's D*ck for the World Supreme Commander-in-Chief of Hell Sword Bait Behemoth That Which Is Purple and Dances Badly Ultimate Mind Control Agent for the Forces of Evil on Today's Youth (period) Unspeakable One Vile (Foul Evil Horrid etc) One Violent Violet Villain of the Vomitorium Violet Vermin Waste of Bandwidth B. Parodies of Barney Songs Sakurambo (kinnema%wkuvx1.bitnet@ulkyvm.louisville.edu) said at one point that he was compiling a comprehensive list. I haven't included any here because the FAQ is plenty big already. I do have hard copies of most of them and would be willing to send them to someone who wants to compile them into a new file. C. Stories Necktie Junction, bull@mac.cc.maacalstr.edu: Day of the Barney. Barney convinces the children of the world to kill all adults in the Great Act of Love. Day of the Barney II: Aftermath. Years later, a boy and his sister at the verge of adulthood battle Barney and his minions. Day of the Barney III: Spectre. Twenty years after Barney's death, he returns from the grave and tries to destroy civilization again. [This trilogy has been reposted by Ben Cantrick (cantrick@ucsu.colorado.edu), Joel Berger (jberger@nyx.cs.du.edu), and possibly others. I can also send you DotB 1 and 2 upon request.] Son of Barney. Genetic engineers attempt to recreate Barney. Death Zone Purple. The Barneyan Cult has got to be stopped but will it be? Solar Warrior: The Rescue of Julie. The Jihad, the Solar Ishtari and the Knights of the Raptor unite to retrieve Julie the Mahdi from the clutches of their enemy. [five chapters completed] Eliezer Shlomo Yudkowsky: Barney vs. the Federation. The USS Leviathan is threatened with sponge-brain infection from the Purple Cluster. Brunswick Strike. A holotape of Gary Wilson's observations during the Jihad attack on U of New Brunswick, St. John. According to Commander Adama (John P.LaRocque, adama@uwo.ca or larocqu@gaul.csd. uwo.ca), #2 of the comic book Sachs and Violens includes a story by Peter A. David (peter_a_david@cup.portal.com) involving a purple dinosaur who kidnaps kids. H. McDaniel (mcdaniel@stein2.u.washington.edu): The "B" Files. A secret government agency attempts to put an end to Barney before his creators use him to promote a political or social agenda. Purple Empire. Rebels against Barney fight amongst themselves in a world of violence. [four chapters completed, #3 missing] St. Julie: Gerald the B'harnee Slayer. A fictional portrayal of Gerry, quite different from his usual persona. ________________________________________________________________________________ VII. MISCELLANEOUS Barney's human identity is David Joyner, according to the credits. Some Barney tote bags were recalled because some of the ink and paint had too high a lead content. [Wild Boar, sbl0091@zeus.tamu.edu] The war supposedly hits IRC with #barney, an anti-Barney channel. As of 4 Nov 93, neither this channel nor ScronkBot (its maintenance bot) existed. [Patrick Hassett Caudill, phcaudil@midway.ecn.uoknor.edu] The Jerry Springer Show featured Barney's cigarette-smoking evil brother Blarney. [Scott L. Hudson] Barney once asked the kids on his show to vote on what "fun thing" they wanted to "pretend," and only gave them one choice. [Kressja] Barney received 38 write-in votes in a poll of 800 at an Ottawa high school (the post wasn't clear whether students of the HS were surveyed, or whether they just did the poll at that location). Canada's third-largest (before the election) political party, the NDP, didn't get that many votes. [Oscar Strawczynski, ai238@freenet.carleton.ca] The national college magazine _U._ reported that 1050 (81%) of 1294 students surveyed disliked Barney. Suggested methods of deprogramming Sponge Minions: Nine Inch Nails, They Might Be Giants, Einstuerzende Neubauten, Rush [the musical group, not Limbaugh], Ministry, Animaniacs, Road Runner, blues, Jethro Tull, My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, Yes, Pearl Jam, Kim Mitchell, 54-40, Tom Cochrane/Red Rider, REM, Aerosmith, GNR, Skinny Puppy, Kim Gordon, pre-1985 Sonic Youth, anime, MST3K, Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel, unhealthy snacks. The High Prophet and two other members of the Texas A&M Jihad recently created a program which crashes everything that tries to run it. All tested PCs either rebooted, locked up beyond the power of rebooting, or had CMOS overwritten. It has been suggested that GerryBot be infected with this powerful virus. Davis-Forbes House of the U of Oklahoma has recently announced the Kill B@rney World Tour. [Eric Bell, ebell@essex.ecn.uoknor.edu] According to Jeffery Beaulieu (911003b@dragon.acadiau.caa), the ubiquituous wuarchive.wustl.edu FTP site has a .voc file in /ms_dos_uploads (or something similar) of Barney Meets Castle Wolfenstein 3D. Iain P. Grier (ipgrier@steam. uwaterloo.edu) reports a rumor that there exists a copy of CW3D with Barney replacing the SS. I don't know of any FTP sites specifically devoted to Barney-related stuff. The Jaycees of Colonial Heights, VA, received a complaint from Natalie Simonson because their Halloween attraction included Barney on a noose, along with an executioner singing "I hate you, you hate me, let's get together and hang Barney". President Todd Resnick says that they warned parents about it beforehand and that they received no other complaints from the estimated 1,600 attendees. [Ken Majewski, majewskk@wmavm7.vnet.ibm.com] Vanderbilt will celebrate Barney Bashing Day on November 10, featuring Barney being burned in effigy. Others are encouraged to do similar things, perhaps making it a North American "Guy Fawkes Day", whatever that is. [Kressja] U of Nebraska-Lincoln senior Travis Fox also organized a Barney Bashing Day on this date, featuring Big Bird and a variety of Barney merchandise to smash up; only two mothers briefly protested the event. [John M. Scheibeler, uplink@cwis. unomaha.edu, quoting the _Omaha World-Herald_] Jack Skellington reports a Barney Bashing in Chicago put on by children. According to Entertainment Tonight, a Barney movie is planned for release some time in 1995. [GerryBot] Ask icomedia@access.digex.net about Barney Must Die! T-shirts. Yale researchers have determined Barney to be a Good Thing. [Sandy Santra, trevor@netcom.com or trevor@well.sf.ca.us] Barney's politics have been variously labeled as Communist [source unavailable], capitalistic [Jennefer the Valiant] and Orwellian-fascist [The Combat Wombat, al673@freenet.carleton.ca]. Extract the Roman numerals from CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR, add them up and get 666. [John C. Newmark, jcnewmar@artsci.wustl.edu] The RushClone has posted a joke FORTRAN program to destroy Barney, and a crosspost from rec.humor of the Barney Bill (gun ownership requires a written statement that you will only shoot purple dinosaurs and targets resembling them). Legion (Steve Pordon, spordon@nyx10.cs.du.edu) has posted a joke Pascal program to overwrite GerryBot. N. Gellner (bj6b@musicb.mcgill.ca) quotes an article from the February 1990 _Economist_ on a disease called bovine spongiform encephalopathy, attributing it to the brain-sponging drug Purple Luv.