From: NYAR! (slider@we.dont.need.your.spam.tamu.edu_(Slider_the_Feral) Subject: MSTed: The Purple Book Newsgroups: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die Date: 1998/10/31 The following can be found on www.jihad.net, but seeing as our "good friend" John Byrd keeps reposting his stuff, I might as well repost my take on it. I take no responsiblity for the formatting of this document... copy and paste from an enhanced for HTML edition was the best I could do. -- J-R Scene: On the SOL. Mike and the 'bots are lounging around eating Twinkies after their latest movie screening. Why was that movie SO bad? Hey, Mike, relax! That movie wasn't half as bad as (shudders) "Manos: The Hands of Fate"! What's that one about? Trust me, you don't want to know. (noticing Cambot looking at him) Oh, hi and welcome to the Satellite of Love. We just got done watching Highlander 2: The Quickening, and in a word, it sucked! Uh, Mike, that's two words... Commercial Sign in ten seconds. What I want to do is behead the guy who wrote the screenplay. There should have been only one! Ramirez! What am I doing in this cheesy movie?! If this leads to another sword fight in the load pan bay... (commercial sign flashes) Four score seconds and seven Mentos ads later... (Tom and Crow are sword fighting. Tom is wearing a helmet.) Guys, stop it. I don't want to have to break out the E-Z Bot Repair manual again... Oh great, Das Uber-Evil-Untermenschen are calling. (Deep 13) Playtime's over, Connor MacLeod. Tell you what, let's get right to the invention exchange. (SOL. Crow and Tom have stopped fighting.) (whispering to Mike) You haven't had an invention to exchange for 2 weeks! You finally got that new one done yet? Well, no... (Deep 13) Why don't we go first. Frank! Bring out the box with our new invention in it. I think I... What is it this time, Frank? threw it away. WHAT?!?! Remember when you wanted to throw away the old payroll records? Well, I tossed the wrong box. D'oh! Sorry, Steve. Mike, your experiment this week is an unwanted, uncalled-for, unneccesary treatise by a PBS dinophile on the Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link: "The Purple Book". It's a pseudo-religous, doom-and-gloom nightmare from the Heart of Purpleness. Bon Appe-die! (Frank sends the post) AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! Posting Sign! (G...6...5...4...3...2...1...) >From: jbyrd@well.sf.ca.us (John W. Byrd) >Newsgroup: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die >Subject: The Purple Book What did Dr. Forrester mean by "PBS dinophile" and "nightmare from the Heart of Purpleness"? Maybe the mads are showing us Prince's home movies! How disgusting! >Organization: The Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link, Sausalito, CA I got a bad feeling... >Hi all friends of Barney! That answer your question, Mike? (to screen) You got the wrong address. You want the day-care center across the street. Please tell me this isn't happening. >Read this while eating a healthy snack! Wait a minute! There's no food in the theater! You might get us some RAMch-- (clamps hands over Crow's mouth) Crow, don't start that. Jush kiddinth. (Mike releases Crow) >love, >John (as doting grandmother) What a nice boy! (as himself) Kill him. >---------8><------8><-------8><----------------------------------------- >For Immediate Release >Barney Research Medical Laboratories, Propaganda Division >Cambridge, MA Oh, they're based at Miskatonic University! >Disclaimer: Medical problems should be addressed by a licensed >physician. BRML assumes no liability, expressed or implied, for the >behavior of those who read this document. Don't complain to your insurance company if you get trampled as all the people walk out of the theater. Please accept our sincerest apologies. >Do not read this document, under any circumstances. Even the writer himself acknowledges that it's bad... Uh oh... I don't know what I did to cheese the mads off enough to send us this... >--------------- >The Purple Book >--------------- >1.0 The Purple Book: An Introduction > Look around you. Really stop for a moment and examine your >immediate surroundings, wherever you are, at whatever time you are >reading this. Do it now. (All turn their heads to the left, and then to the right.) It's dark and we're in a movie theater. No, Tom, really examine them. It's dark, and we're in a movie theater, which is in orbit around Earth. That's the spirit, Mike. You won't get much out of this post if you don't really TRY! > No, you didn't really stop and examine your environment, did >you? We just did! Seriously! >You just went right on, reading the next paragraph. That's >okay. But please. Take exactly ten seconds right now to look at all >the things and experiences that are taking place around you right now. >We'll wait. (All turn their heads left, right, left, and right again) It's still dark, we're still in a movie theater... And we're still stuck up here in space! Now that we've got that settled, can we _please_ get on with things? >1.1 Okay, Now You Can Read This Like we have a choice. > What quality do nearly all of the things that you see have in >common? They are tangible, sure. You can put your hand on many of >them. They occupy space, and may have weight, and texture, and color. >But two things are necessarily true of 97.2% of the things that you >examined just now. > Would you think it necessarily impossible, bizarre, incredible >if we told you We recently escaped from an insane asylum? We are just writing aimlessly, with no real purpose? We have no lives? >exactly what you are seeing, right now? We can. You are seeing a completely silly and pointless post on your screen. >Two things are necessarily true of all the things that you perceive now. > First. They were produced, all but 2.8% percent of them, by >people and things that DON'T LIKE YOU and want to extract as much >blood and love and time from your precious self as they can before you >nose-dive into the grave. Does everybody's e-mail come from the mads? >And yes, this is the ABSOLUTE truth. Your clothes were made by someone >else, and you probably paid higher than wholesale at some fashionable store, >and you fattened the pockets of some tubercular old white men by paying for >them. The furniture, the walls, doors, all those things were made by someone >else, and they wanted to overcharge and neatly screw you before giving you >these things that you need to survive. High-impact plastic, thin aluminum >construction, durable fiber composition, designed to give years of >service, cracks or bends within the first week. Aluminum siding from Sears... >Turn on the Japanese-made television, if you like, and wade through hours of >infomercials to see news reports of twelve-year-olds gunning down >crack dealers in the streets of your city. Congressmen vote >themselves pay raises while homeless people die like flies in the >November cold. Oh, but if you support their plan to create JOBS and >restructure the ECONOMY and LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD, I'd like to level the guy who wrote this. >everything will be just hunky-dorey, just take your money and send it >discreetly in. And if you want to change your neighborhood, you need to perform >community watches, do volunteer work, GIVE FIVE percent of your >nonexistent income to people that you don't know. Right now you see >no free lunches, no earned-income tax credits, no foreign aid. There >is nothing before you that you don't deserve, ten times over. I take it this guy supports Clinton's economic plan. > Here's the second thing that's true of everything around you. >Nothing has the shiny, vibrating, rapt quality that it had when you >were a kid. Nothing's new. Everything sucks. Bills, dental work, >adultery, recycled aluminum, Evian water, treadmills, simulated >leather jackets, newspapers, portable fax machines, the national >health care system, tofu. All these things are products of your >grown-up world and they all BITE beyond any hope of atonement. Reality Bites, starring Winona Ryder. >When was the last time that you had a lollipop? Months? Years? Or are >you worried about cholesterol, or fat content, or calories? What >self-respecting kid worries about these corporate multivitamin >mind-control words? Face it. Things were cooler when you were under >seven. Therefore, I propose mandatory death at age eight. Or mandatory lollipops for eveyone over eight. Things were cooler when I was on Earth! >You had freedom to eat, sleep, and live. But now, things are >dull, prosaic, and lifeless. Now you eat to keep up your strength to >work to make money to eat. You require all the things you have. You >have few toys, little candy, no relaxation. No women... (sighs) >Look at the things around you and see that your natural creativity, >intelligence, and zest for life has atrophied and withered since you >were ten. Crow, you're withering. Hey, I'm not your creativity! If only Joel was here... (sighs) Who's Joel? It's a long story. >1.2 You Are Not You (Crow starts looking away from the screen in one of his boredom trances) > You did not "grow up." YOU HAVE BEEN CHEMICALLY MODIFIED, >without your knowledge or consent, to ACT LIKE AN OLD PERSON. Your >creativity is THERE. Your heart is THERE. For twenty-eight years, >all people over the age of seven have had their highest desires >SUBORDINATED constantly by an emission of mind-controlling paramecia >(MCP) into the ozone, Where this post seems to be headed... >which occured on January 4, 1965. Wait a minute! How are we supposed to know this? We were only created about 5 years ago! (Crow brings his attention back to the screen) > You haven't heard about this accident. It's well enough that >you shouldn't, for if the full details of the incident should come to >light there would be WIDESPREAD RIOTING and MASS DESTRUCTION. They're talking about the politics behind the Rodney King verdict! Crow, he's writing about paramecia. >Suffice it to say, for the moment, that you are NOT responsible for losing >your happiness, your drive to joy, your soul. >1.3 Tell Me About It Anyway No, please don't! > Okay, okay. Mike, I'm scared. >It began in June of 1964 in Plain Fields, Colorado. >We will mention here that most of what occured is part of the public record >(Greeley Intelligencer, June 64 through February 65) and you can certainly >look it up for yourself. (in Dragnet voice) The names have been changed to protect the stupid. >We don't suppose that you've ever heard of Dr. Adamil Kresshausen or the >Bacteriological Research Institute of Colorado (BRIC). Yeah, I've heard of them. They're part of my house back on Earth. >1.4 No > Few people have. Dr. Kresshausen was involved in a secretly >funded government project to create a new form of biological warfare. >Under the guise of biochemical research for a leading drug >manufacturer, Dr. Kresshausen experimented with injecting RNA >fragments from various carnivores into paramecia. By applying these >fragments along with selective use of X-rays, Kresshausen was able to >create paramecia which were invulnerable to conventional sulfa drugs. >Furthermore, these paramecia were only .0005 microns in length -- much >smaller than the average paramecium. So small, in fact, that they >could not be detected with conventional microscopes. A planet where paramecia evolved from man? > When one of these paramecia is introduced into a laboratory >animal, no side effects are visible for months. Then, slowly, the >animal begins to become irritable, ill-tempered, and self-destructive. Then the animal becomes Beavis and Butthead... >The animal no longer eats, runs, or plays with the vigor that it used >to. It prefers to eat unhealthy meals. In the case of a gerbil, in >prefers to control the exercise wheel, and not let other gerbils share >the wheel. What's so fun about a dumb ole exercise wheel anyway? > One thing was clear from these experiments: the RNA fragments >themselves did not cause the personality change. It was, rather, the >mammal's own immune system reaction that manifested the disturbances. >Dr. Kresshausen postulated and later isolated the first antib-RNA antieb-arnay? >(pronounced anti-barnee) He's using HOOM vowels, Crow. >cells in a laboratory animal. > From the _South_Central_Colorado_Journal_of_Medicine_, 5:34-35: > "The data indicate that while the RNA fragments in > themselves are not lethal, the immunodeficiency produced > by their interaction with the subject can be > psychosocially disabling. More study is required before > the RNA agent can be considered for military > applications." > Shortly after Dr. Kresshausen published this article, he >disappeared. A five-line story in the Greeley Intelligencer (January >19, 1965, p. 14) indicated that he was missing. > No formal investigation was ever made. To spare him the ridicule. >1.5 I Don't Get It: What Does This Have To Do With Me > It has, unfortunately, EVERYTHING to do with you. On every >square centimeter of your skin, in your mouth and eyes are MILLIONS of >these RNA paramecia, originally synthesized in a Colorado laboratory >but escaped into the world, to replicate freely for nearly thirty >years. The paramecia are airborne. They travel quickly. If your paramecium isn't there by 10:30 AM, the delivery's free! > Excepting the darkest regions of Antarctica, there is now no >place in the world where you can go to remove yourself from this >hideous pestilence. Neither soap nor Betadine is effective against >these paramecia, which are too small to be affected by these >conventional hygienic techniques. There's always autoclaving... > Dr. Kresshausen's original notes have mysteriously vanished >along with him. Until modern science can replicate the methods by >which Dr. Kresshausen synthesized the original RNA fragments, there is >little hope for containment or cure. >1.6 This Has Got To Be a Joke > But it makes too much sense. Life, it seems to you, has a >monotonous, dull, gray-on-black feel to it, doesn't it? Excuse me, but was your life filmed in Shadowrama? >You spend your days wanting something or someone to show you how to have FUN, >but nothing ever happens, right? Food, sex, jokes, sleep, laughter, >have all seemed to munge together into a vast milksop melange of >tedium. This post certainly seems to be heading in that direction. >Parties, sports, entertainment are all predictable and >repetitive. You hate your job because people there are NOT LIKE YOU; >you don't imagine that everyone ELSE feels the same pallid cover of >alienation sticking to their bodies, like a coat of grease. > And so you've done what everyone else tries: you take a >vacation. Get away from it all. But while you're burning your skin >with carcinogenic rays on some beach, you can't get away from the >feeling that you've ignored the important things, that you've missed >the bus somehow, that all you've earned is a brief respite from the >vapid to the meaningless. > This is NOT YOU. This is NOT YOUR LIFE. (in announcer's voice) We have secretly replaced these people with someone else. >You are fun, intelligent, witty, desirable, creative. All these qualities >have been sublimated by your own immune system, producing millions of >antib-RNAs, hogging your life resources, spending your energy and >vitality on these biological-disaster paramecia. >1.7 So Why Hasn't Anyone Figured This Out Before? > Two reasons. Nobody has as much free time as I do and nobody is as stupid as I am. I probably shouldn't have used _both_ LSD and cocaine. Nobody has as much free time as I do or such an addiction to posting inanities on the net. >First, this immunological disease happens to EVERYBODY, between the ages of >seven and ten. It progresses slowly. Much like the logic of this post. >Assuming you don't die in a car crash or get shot in a convenience-store >holdup, you will eventually die from it. The reason that more people don't go >to their doctors is because They're stupid. >everyone suffers from the same illness. You hate feeling lonely and empty and >unsatisfied with the best years of your life, but who doesn't? > Actually, some people do go to their doctors, but the doctors >don't recognize the symptoms because the symptoms occur in every >living human over ten years old. It even occurs in the doctors >themselves. People feel the pain and the lack of richness in their >hearts, but the disease hasn't been described or studied. These >people are labelled as hypochondriacs and are given several weeks' >worth of useless pyschoanalysis. > The second reason why no one has discovered this disease is >because the paramecia themselves are so small and hardy. They cannot >be stained. They cannot be seen under a light microscope. When >examined under an electron microscope, they instantly decompose into >stable, common elements, giving the impression that there was never >any life there. Did you just describe the inside of your skull? > Your happiness has been taken from you. The conspiracy >against you is a million tiny little semi-lives against your own peace >and sanity. >2.0 Okay, How Can I Get Help? > That's the easy part. The first one's always free. > You have to become a child again. You have to get back that >easygoing wide-eyed simplicity that makes joy credible and happiness >obvious. You have to relax, fundamentally and completely. > In other words, you have to totally eradicate all the >antib-RNAs from the inside out. These antib-RNAs affect the way you >behave. They affect your central nervous system. The only effective >means of fighting them is to get control of your mind. > If you haven't met Him yet, we envy you. Who the hell are they talking about? Dunno. But I wouldn't wanna meet him. Mike, you didn't say it like he did. It's "Him." Oh I see. They want us to meet Satan! Or Mr. B. Natural. >But the cure for your malady is (in Texan accent) A couple Advil, and those muscle aches are long gone. >a purple dinosaur. He lives, and he is the only scientifically proven >method of Boring the adult population of America. >eradicating the antib-RNA paramecia. He is your link with your childhood, >your freedom, your happiness, your future. >2.1 Meet Barney > Barney loves you. Accept this as the first, most fundamental >fact, and all else follows, as easily as spring follows winter. > Barney is a big, friendly, treacly, sappy, preachy, doofus. >beautiful purple dinosaur. You may have heard Him singing happily, on the >radio or on television, to children. He especially likes children, because He's really Michael Jackson inside that suit. >they are the ones who are most naturally free of the antib-RNA paramecia. >Barney gives the little children presents, and games, and songs, and expects >nothing in return. Except a large share of the telethon pledge proceeds. >Barney works for free! Hey, how would you know that if you haven't watched a PBS station around pledge time? > And the children love Barney. You can see it. Just plop down >any self-respecting three-year-old in front of a picture tube and >watch their beautiful smiles light up with recognition and love as the >good Barney takes them through the regular schedule of merriment and >fun. Yes, the regular schedule is to prepare kids for their boring, tedious adult jobs! > Barney is the antithesis of crime and poverty and malnutrition >and hopelessness. Barney makes no secret of this; you may have heard >one of his more recent hits, "I Love You." In this masterwork, Barney >tells us that we are indeed Dumber than a can of canned cling peaches. >a happy family, and that we should combine our love and power, united, >indivisible under Barney. With liberty, and Purple for all. >How much better would the world be if we did this? How many nights of fear >under the nuclear umbrella would vanish, like so many nightmares in the warm >sun? You're better off under the umbrella. Tom, he's refering to nuclear war, not insurance. > Barney's smile is the first thing you will see. The grin >is ear-to-ear. And makes you want to puke. >His happiness permeates you like a golden ray of >sunshine, filling you instantly with a feeling of goodwill and >generosity. This is normal. Excuse me, but what would _you_ know about normalcy? >Then you see Barney's eyes, round and full of kindness, reminding you of Bedtime. They look half asleep. >pleasant games and stories that you haven't thought of since you were just >a tyke. And should you ever have the chance to hug Barney -- to fit in his >warm, cuddly, loving, welcome-home embrace -- you will touch His soft purple >pelt and suddenly cry at the realization that heaven is in fact on earth, >that your petty concerns and hang-ups are meaningless next to the >transfinite splendor of Barney. >2.2 But Barney Is a Kid's Show > Yes. And you need to love Him immediately. > Thugs on the street, with twenty-four gauge shotguns Mike, what the hell is a 24-gauge shotgun? They probably just tape two 12-gauge shotguns together. >and cellar smiles, need to love Barney. Killer prostitutes with AIDS and >heroin habits will see no salvation nor redemption without the love of >Barney. Thick-pocketed politicians scam all day and fatten their bank >accounts with your hard labor, and it will not change until the >thousand-watt power of Barney bursts forth into their meager lives. > Barney contains the will, the plan, the FORCE to cleanse your >nervous system of the vile antib-RNA paramecia. The thrilling shock, >the immaculate ZAP of The Great Purple One coarsing through your >spinal cord is enough to FRY THOSE PARAMECIA instantly. And he makes great julienne fries! >Want to LIVE FOREVER? (as Sally Struthers) Sure, we all do! But with a kids' show dinosaur? (singing) Who wants to LIVE FOREVER? > Oh, but Barney is for kids, right? Well. If you haven't >danced the Cooperation Dance and if you haven't sung the Caring is >Sharing song, you have not presumed to LIVE yet. You are middle-aged >and dead on arrival, friend. You want, no, you REQUIRE an infusion of >that purple thunder into your mind to free yourself from your >self-conception! You leave my conception out of this! >You need to be REBUILT in the image of the Perfect Purple! (as Igor) Need to find a brain for the creature. > You think Barney is kid's stuff? Well, less than one month >ago, Barney Research Medical Laboratories perfected a technology by >which children that have been recently killed in a traumatic accident >have been brought back to life. Miracle? Perhaps. Or perhaps it was A figment of your imagination. >Barney's utter dedication to pushing the envelope in bioengineering >research. >2.3 Where Is Barney? > It is true that Barney can, and often does, exist in material >form. However, Barney is ubiquitous, and Barney is forever. Will we be seeing commericals in which a shadow man gives his girlfriend a Barney doll on CC anytime soon? > If you take but one step towards Barney, Barney will take two >steps toward you. If you are willing to honestly say, "Barney, I have >not sang the 'I Love You' song," Barney will suddenly appear and lead >you in a few bars. If you sing the "I Love You" song all by yourself, >Barney will hear it ... and, even though He might be a thousand miles >away, he will finish the verse in unison with you. (in announcer's voice) Barney: Big Friendly Dinosaur, or CIA spook? > Barney has a vast unmapped network of minions, always >surveying and scanning for people in pain, people in need, people >affected gravely by the antib-RNA paramecia. Barney's minions are >infused with the effervescent purple power of The Great One. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. >If you reach out to Barney, chances are that a minion will be there to take >your hand. If you want to describe to Barney how the antib-RNA has >made you slowly sicken, describe it in detail to a minion, and the >news will certainly filter up to the ever-loving Barney. > Because of this network of pure love, Barney can never be >destroyed. How can you destroy love? How can you destroy beauty? >How can you destroy a healthy snack? That's easy. Oh MegaWeapon!!!! > Speak softly, and Barney will hear. Request instructions on >how to be nice, to be healthy, to rid yourself of the antib-RNA, and >they will be granted to you, with no reservations. Do we walk in, or do we have to call ahead? > Barney loves you. Barney loves you more than any other >quadruped on the planet does. More that any other QUADRUPED?!??!? To each his own. >Won't you say you love Him too? NO. >2.4 Don't Know Yet > If there is one thing in the world that Barney would like to >do most of all, it is to Get on all three major networks. Take over the world. Go out on a date with Niki Taylor. >destroy all antib-RNA. These are the tools of sadness, the genesis of pain >in today's world. You forgot John_-_Winston, Stephen Ratliff, and Robert McElwaine! >Barney Research Medical Laboratories have worked around the clock since >1985, ceaselessly pursuing a cure, against appalling technical and financial >difficulties. We are experiencing appalling technical difficulties. Do not try to adjust your TV set. > Barney wants to help you. Barney is giving his very existence >to free you from this accelerated death process. Barney is giving >himself to save you. > And Barney knows that every minute, every second is absolutely >critical. He is working against the big red clock at Barney Research >Medical Laboratories, the one that is ticking relentlessly toward a >zero-hour on December 12, 1999. You think your life is bad now, don't >you? You have no idea. You have absolutely no idea, yet. >3.0 In the Near Future Next Sunday, A.D.? Mike, that's "not too distant future". I think this post is getting to him... > We should warn you, first of all, that the future may not be >what you imagine. Things in life often do not turn out the Hollywood >way that we want them to, and when we know something bad will happen, >we feel cheated or abused. Remember that while these predictions are >absolutely true, they may be avoided. > The most usual, most constant natural catastrophes in the >world are earthquakes. They kill thousands per year, usually in >heavily populated areas. Scientists cannot predict them. They are >relentless. Judd Nelson is... Relentless. >Our understanding of the earth's crust and its movements >are somewhat limited, because our deepest mine shafts run less than a >kilometer deep. Scientists have no way of really knowing what's going >on more than two miles beneath the earth's crust. > Recent earthquakes are a series of PLANNED ATTACKS on our >civilization. So are shows like Beverly Hills, 90210. >The final one WILL COME ON DECEMBER 12, 1999, AT 0534 GMT. This will be a >world-wide quake of magnitude 11.2 on the Richter scale. At least 24 million >people will die instantly. No human-made structure larger than a doghouse >will remain standing. I guess Snoopy has nothing to fear. > After this final attack, the Wuns will travel to the surface >via a series of camouflaged tunnels into all major world cities. The >Wuns are a race of half-human, half-rodent beings that were described >four decades ago by Barney. They inhabit between three and five miles >deep in the earth, above the mantle of magma, subtly manipulating the >geological plates to cause maximal damage to buildings and people on >the surface. For the past nine thousand years, their race has existed >relatively peaceably. However, the random drifting of the antib-RNA >into their society in the past twenty-five years has made them more >aggressive and more predatory. > Barney is apparently aware of their social structure and even >a little of their language, but he prefers not to talk about their >existence, for fear of creating a panic. > And panic is the last thing you need to do right now. AUUUUUUGHHHH! >3.1 Should I Stock Up on Water and Supplies > Sure, and after the Quake you will be hunted down by the Wuns >and imprisoned in the burning-hot caverns and worked to death. After >you die, you will be recycled as food. You would probably prefer to >have died in the Quake. Well, it beats reading posts like these. > Barney can't protect you from the Quake. But he can protect >you from the Wuns, when they come. The awesomely perfect power of >Purple is enough to drive a whole horde of Wuns To roll on the floor laughing. To drink heavily. >cringing and scurrying for cover. > If Barney Research Medical Laboratories fails to create an >injectable form of the purple power of Barney by 1999, the antib-RNA >infection will continue to spread and worsen in both the human and Wun >populations. Assuming you survive the earthquake, you will need to >defend yourself against the invading Wuns. It's possible that you may >be able to stock up on guns, explosives, dried food, water, clothing, >et cetera, to keep yourself and your family safe for a couple months. > But if you don't know Barney by 1999, you will eventually be >consumed by the ravaging Wuns. Barney protects his own, and the rest >will be lost in the ensuing Armageddon. Hey! I get to decide who lives and who dies! I called dibs! > Barney Research Medical Laboratories has prepared a secret >site in Nevada, far away from any mine shafts, for this final stand >against the Wuns. Barney has stockpiled weapons and supplies. Barney >has created a stable barracks with hundreds of seat-belted personal >containment units for riding out Tonya Harding's skating career. The series run of Seaquest DSV. Roseanne Arnold's first and only marathon race. >the Quake. More important, He has designed and constructed >an earthquake-proof hydroponics laboratory capable of indefinitely >sustaining a colony of five thousand people. > After the Quake, people will be banging on the sole, >reinforced two-foot steel door to the colony. But Barney will not >open the door. He will shed a big purple tear Wait a minute, tears aren't purple! Barney must have food coloring in his tear ducts... >for the lost souls outside, who could have loved Barney before the Quake, but >chose not to. And He will rejoin his five thousand friends in the huge bunker, >and sing a few songs, and eat healthy snacks from the hydroponics lab, >and He will wait for the rebirth of the world. After a long, long >time, Barney and these people will start the world's life over again. >3.2 How Do I Get In > Love Barney as much as He loves you. You must sing songs of >praise to Barney. You must eat only heathy snacks. > Be like Barney in all things. Does this mean I have to shave my head and paint myself purple? >Naturally, your teeth may not be as big as Barney's teeth. Barney >understands this. (in schoolyard teasing voices) Doesn't have big teeth, doesn't have big teeth... > Share all your things. Cooperate. It is also important to >pretend once in a while. > Buy Barney merchandise. That's "merchandi$e"! Moichandizing, Moichandizing, Moichandizing! Where all the money from the show is made! >If you do not have enough money to buy Barney merchandise, you can make your >own out of paper plates, macaroni, glue, and a purple magic marker. And you can bootleg the finished product for heaps of cash! > Don't pick your nose. Barney can't stand people who pick >their noses. (Mike picks his nose) > Spread the good word of Barney. SPREAD THE PURPLE BOOK, Let's not and say we did. >to as many relatives, co-workers, and friends as possible. >Barney will keep ...them in the fridge in case he's hungry later. Now, now... >score for you. When you meet an enemy of Barney, give them The Purple >Book and a healthy snack. You might make a new friend, and so might >Barney! Then again, you might enjoy a nice stay in the hospital. > If you feel the urge to eat an unhealthy snack, immediately >contact Domino's Pizza. They get here in a hurry. >your nearest minion. They will immediately bring you carrot >sticks and milk. > To let Barney know that you are ready to join Him in the next >millenium, just sing this happy song over and over, until Barney hears >you: > "I love you, you love me, > we're a happy family, > With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, > Won't you say you love me too?" (singing) I would do anything for love... but I won't do that. >3.3 Barney's Prayer > "Blessed are the minions, for theirs is the kingdom of Purple. >I will have carrot sticks and milk, and want not; for cheeseburgers >and french fries are full of the antib-RNA. I prepareth for the great >Quake, and The Purple One watcheth over me with the staff of Barney >Research Medical Laboratories, and it is good. I believeth that >caring is sharing, and vice versaeth; thy scepter of might shall smote >the Wuns into small bits. For Barney is that which is Purple, and >that which is not Purple, is not. Amen." [Play organ music here.] >3.4 A Message from Barney > "Hello! Hi Barney! >I think you're super-dee-duper! I want you to know that I love you. >We are working very, very hard to save you! But working like this is very, >very expensive. That means it costs a lot of money! > "Do you love me? I wish you would! I bet that if you loved >me, that you would buy my merchandise! But will you still love me if I don't buy any merchandi$e? (as Barney) No. Bite me, I'm evil! Somehow I knew this relationship was plutonic... >Merchandise means all the dolls and books and records that have me .. >Barney! ... on them! > "If you don't love me, that's okay! But I don't know if I can >protect you from the Wuns, then! Hyuck, hyuck! (as Curly) You don't say. > "You are my very special friend. There's only one of you in >this world. I would hate to let the Wuns get you. So let's be >together all the time! I hope that you will be my friend, too!" Well, the feeling's not mutual. > ---Barney Bye, Barney! >3.5 Conclusion > Barney is life; antib-RNA is death. > Barney is capable of saving you from ultimate destruction from >the mindless antib-RNA and from the evil Wuns. There is no ...Sanctuary? >protection, except the protection of Barney. > Barney would use his purple forces to make you join him, to >save you against your will. But Barney wants you to join him, of your >own free will, while you still have a free will. > Barney can rejuvenate you, give you hope, show you which >snacks are healthy and which ones are not. > The facts are clear. Delay no longer. In getting out of here. C'mon, guys. (They leave the theater -- 1...2...3...4...5...6...G) That post read like a religious tract! Or stereo instructions. Think about it, Tom. Capitalizing the "h" in "him", doomsday prophecy, subterranean rodent demon race trying to enslave us-- I think you just described the mads with that last line. Mike, let me finish. A prayer, for crying out loud, and presenting a sappy kids' show dinosaur as the Almighty. Maybe he was trying to make fun of survivalist religious tracts while trying to brainwash people into loving Barney. One thing is still true: That post was bad! (as he gives both Crow and Tom a RAMchip) What do you think, sirs? (Deep 13. Frank's outfit is now purple. He is wearing a hat that resembles the top half of Barney's head. He is also kneeling and bowing in worship before a life-size Barney doll while clenching a celery stalk between his teeth. There is a plate of carrot sticks and a glass of milk off to one side of him.) I love you, you love me... You've caught me at a bad time. Frank here has become brainwashed by that post-- We're a happy family... Until next time, boobie! Push the button, Frank. With a great big hug... FRANK!!! The button! and kiss from me to you... (Dr. F. produces a cattle prod and pushes the button as he rears to strike) WOOOOOSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH Won't you say you'll love me to-- (BZZZZTTT) AAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHH! - Finis --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: This post is not intended to be a personal attack on Mr. Byrd, but rather an exercise in fun reading and satire. Mr. Byrd's opinions are strictly his own, and do not reflect any of my opinions, because if they did, I sure as hell wouldn't be MiSTing this post. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Credits: Original Article by: John Byrd MiSTing by: Jay "J-Rock" Ramsperger and Melissa Anderson --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Remember: If you don't like any of this, you can come try to kill me with a forklift. -- J-Rock >Disclaimer: Medical problems should be addressed by a licensed >physician. BRML assumes no liability, expressed or implied, for the >behavior of those who read this document. >Do not read this document, under any circumstances. ****************************************** -- J-Rock aka Slider the Feral (NYAR!), Laird of the Cursed Earth Maenads Adm. & CO, TRES Corps Kappa Squad * Ayatollah of Rock 'n Rolla Director / Chief Sponge-Minion Deprogrammer, Texas A&M B'Harne Genocide Div. Jihad page at http://people.tamu.edu/~jjr5020/jihad.html ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Email: intentionally corrupted, use slider@tamu.edu ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "If the enemy of my enemy is also a moron, I do not want him as a friend." -- Rev. Cyohtee, my erstwhile Kappa Exec