A youthful man in a black trenchcoat swiftly navigated the familiar corridors of Spiral Corporation's Denver headquarters. His confident demeanor was slightly marred by the fact he'd forgotten to shave again. Through another doorway he went, soon arriving at the desk of a calm, well-dressed man with a neatly trimmed goatee. The visitor nodded towards his host. "Good to see you again, Malaclypse," said the slightly scruffy guest. The man behind the desk smiled. "Warrior Tangaroa. Let's get to business, shall we?" Tangaroa was only too happy to cut the small talk. "What's the deal?" A holographic map of the British isles appeared on Malaclypse's desk to highlight his exposition. "My sources recently discovered a wizard academy hidden away in a corner of England. Here, a secret society of mages has for centuries been training their children in the arts of magic." "Recruitment material," Tangaroa considered. "Exactly. Currently, they have a position open for a magic teacher. This is an excellent opportunity for the Jihad, and you've done some instructing in the past." "Well, I was an English teacher, not a magic teacher, and it was only one-to-one tutoring, and I'm not professionally trained or anything, and technically, it's not even canon. Besides, isn't that in the Templars' area of operations?" "It is within the Templars' sphere of influence, but neither of us are Templars and you are the right Jihaddi for the job. You're well aware I crossed JAO lines to bring you here." "I'm honoured." "You should be. Your tickets, briefing materials, and supplies are already prepared for you. Minerva will fill you in on the details." Tangaroa wanted a few more details from Malaclypse before he went on his way. "What kind of magic teacher are they looking for? Any specific discipline?" "You will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts." "Not by example, I hope." Malaclypse raised an eyebrow and surrendered a wry smile. "Be prepared for anything." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The grey-haired headmaster pored over Tangaroa's application. "About your curriculum vitae..." Albus Dumbledore started, drifting off. "Yes?" Tangaroa asked. "It consists of your name, and the word 'Classified'." "I'm sorry. We can't really talk about our operations to non-members." After the group digested this response, Professor Flitwick spoke up. "One of the truest measures of a wizard is how well he keeps his wand. Let us see yours." "I don't use a wand." "You... don't use a wand?" "Never needed one." Tang shrugged. Professor McGonagall spoke sternly. "You are aware that most of our curricula, including Defense Against the Dark Arts, are wand-based studies, and you will be expected to instruct and demonstrate proper wand handling to our students?" "With access to your institution's study materials, I'm sure I can teach myself before the start of classes. It should be no trouble for a mage such as myself if children can handle it." Somewhat sneeringly, Severus Snape subsequently spoke. "So, Mr. Tangaroa, what are your specific qualifications in Defense Against the Dark Arts?" "I have an innate defense.. uh, and I can teach others to tap into and strengthen their innate defenses, if they have any--" "Any specific defense techniques?" McGonagall interrupted. Tangaroa took half a moment for thought and responded much more articulately. "I can teach science-based defenses against elemental attacks, and to differentiate between environmental magic and purely magical attacks that these techniques wouldn't work on-" Snape whipped out his wand and pointed it across the table. "HIVOLTUM FRYUM!" Tangaroa sensed a polarity shift and tried to redirect it into the closest secondary targets of opportunity, those being the Academy personnel seated nearest him. The force of Snape's blast knocked him flat to the floor anyway. "Some defense," Snape said sarcastically. A smouldering, spiky-haired Hagrid coughed. "Well, he did deflect part of the attack." "Sorry about that." Tangaroa said with a nod to the big man as he reseated himself. "In addition to the things I've mentioned, I can bring to the school knowledge of certain unnatural creatures new to this world." "Unnatural creatures." Snape smirked skeptically. "Saethrians, and greater evils. A modern wizard must be able to cope with these threats. Actually, what I really need to teach the students is defense against mind control, certain forms of mind control whose use is increasing around the world these days." "Thank you, Tangaroa," Dumbledore said. "I believe we've heard enough to make our decision. If you would step outside?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Snape was the first to speak after Tangaroa left the room. "I'll work two jobs if we need to." "That would wear you out," Hagrid protested. "I don't think that will be necessary," Dumbledore said. "You heard him," Snape said. "Non-answers, making things up as needed, padding his resume with mysterious vague references to things that, if they existed, our wizards would have discovered centuries ago." "There are many mysteries in the world," Dumbledore said mysteriously, "including many new mysteries. It would not surprise me if he could shed some light for us on things that were recently discovered." "I can sense that he _is_ a powerful wizard," Flitwick offered. "Sort of like Harry Potter," Snape said derisively, "with half the maturity at twice the age." Flitwick continued pondering. "Whether his powers in wizardry translate into truly knowing magic and being able to teach it... that is another mystery." "As an American, he might be able to bring a unique perspective on magic to this school," McGonagall suggested. "Also," Dumbledore noted, "We must consider that we've had so many problems with Defense Against the Dark Arts instructors these past few years that no wizard in England is willing to take the job." "Except me," Snape pointed out. McGonagall quickly parried. "And there are no mothers in England willing to have you teach Defense Against the Dark Arts to their children." Snape rested his chin in his hand. "Because I look so scary. Maybe I should get a kitten." ----------------------------------------------- = Harry Potter and the Jihad Against Barney = ----------------------------------------------- Harry Potter's uncle Vernon was yelling at him as usual. "Scrub the floor! Wash the dishes! Do your chores! Faster! If you don't work hard enough, I'll buy a horse just so you can shovel out the stables!" Harry stood up and put his hands on his hips. "Hey, I'm a wizard. I don't have to take any of this." "I'll beat you!" "You'll beat off if you know what's good for you, you lazy fop." "Why, you--" "Besides, I'll be going to Hogwarts in a week anyway. You won't have to put up with me for another year." Vernon seethed with anger and walked away. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "LUMOS MINIMUS!" Tangaroa's wand turned to splinters and sawdust. He grabbed another, studied the spellbook, and tried again. "LUMOS MINIMUS!" The wand shattered and the remnants burned to tiny cinders on the floor. Tangaroa grabbed yet another wand and tried again. "DON'T BREAK DAM--OW, F@#$!" The next day, Tangaroa carted a medium-sized crate into his office and pried off the lid. He pulled out the first of 160 wands... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, and Gregory Goyle walked into a room on the train, carrying their suitcases in their hands and sweets in their mouths -- except Gregory, who was munching on a carrot stick. They started loading their luggage into the overhead compartments. "Here, have a licorice pop," Vincent offered to Gregory. "I've got plenty." "No thanks," Gregory said. "I've got to keep myself healthy, and that means watching what I eat." One of Gregory's bags fell to the floor as he tried to load it up top, and a Barney doll tumbled out. "You have a *Barney doll*!?" Draco said in amused astonishment as Vincent snickered behind him. "Barney's cool!" Gregory insisted. "My little cousin introduced me to him..." Draco and Vincent didn't stop laughing all the way to Hogwarts. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley stepped onto the Hogwarts campus to begin their new year. "I wonder who our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is going to be this year?" Harry thought out loud. "It's usually some kind of freak," Ron said. "The last I heard they couldn't get anybody," Hermione gossipped, "and Professor Snape was going to teach the course this year." "Yeah," Ron said, "some kind of freak." A series of sharp pops, like small explosions, echoed from the lake behind the academy. "What was that?" Hermione asked. The three rushed over to see what was causing the noise. As they crested a rise, they caught sight of the source. A man in a black trenchcoat stood by the lake shore with several small trunks at his feet, some opened, some closed. He kicked a closed one and its lid popped up, loosing a Golden Snitch which buzzed up into the air on its thin wings. The Snitch spun around just as the man pulled out his .38, then it turned and bolted off in the opposite direction as if it knew what was coming. Harry sighed. "Waste of a good Snitch." The others nodded. "Five quid says that's our new teacher," Harry continued. The others nodded. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Soon, it was the first day of classes at Hogwarts. "Hello, students. My name is Cecrops Tangaroa, and I am your Defense Against the Dark Arts professor for this year. Now, as the great Vince Lombardi said, the best defense is a good offense, so we're going to start you off with a little-" Hermione Granger raised her hand and started talking without waiting to be called on. "Actually, that was said by legendary Ohio State University coach Woody Hayes... wait, are you meaning to teach us the Dark Arts?" "Perhaps... and interrupting a professor is five points from Gryffindor, though I might reduce that if it turns out you're right." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "I see your studies aren't going so well," Severus Snape said to Tangaroa as he saw the half-empty crate of wands and the wastebasket full of sawdust in the new professor's quarters. "Yes, well, things will pick up," Tangaroa lazily insisted, leaning back in his chair and swallowing the chunk of hamburger in his mouth. "You've gotten ketchup stains on the the spellbooks!" Snape said in astonishment. "These are irreplaceable relics handed down from thou-" "Mm." Tangaroa grunted in mid-gulp and calmly waved a hand over the book as Snape was yelling at him. The stain disappeared, quieting the black-haired wizard. Tang then put down the hamburger and grabbed a napkin with his other hand. "Actually, Severus," Tangaroa said while wiping the lifted ketchup off his hand, "I need your help to teach an important part of my Defense Against the Dark Arts curriculum." "And not merely the whole class?" "No," Tang said, chuckling even though he knew Snape wasn't joking. "What I need you for is some mental impressioning of the students." "That *is* a dark art! What are you planning to do to these children? And you do know that Dumbledore will hear of this." "Oh, it's nothing that serious", Tang said, "I just need to relay a spoken thought to them so that they will know to recognize it. Just three words heard in the mind. No side effects, nothing harmful. Where I need you is to keep it nothing harmful." Tangaroa sat upright and looked Snape in the eye. "You know, Severus, perhaps better than anyone else here so it doesn't matter to tell you, that I don't have the greatest degree of control over my powers. If I were to try this spell myself, I could hurt someone. That's why I need you." Snape was taken aback by Tang's honesty, but still very offended by the idea. "We shall definitely have to talk this over with Dumbledore." "Yes, that's why I asked him to come. He should be here any minute." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm not doing it!" Snape insisted. "This is ludicrous!" "Hmm... Do you know of dragons, Tangaroa?" Dumbledore asked. "I know a few," Tangaroa said. "Zaphyre, Shadur, Aristalarus." "What do dragons have to do with this?" Snape snapped. "Patience, Severus," Dumbledore said, then turned back to Tangaroa. "Are those new types of dragons, or...?" "Types?" Tang asked. "I thought you meant personally. I didn't know dragons came in types." "Yes, they do," Dumbledore chuckled. "There are water dragons both sea and freshwater, forest dragons, sand dragons, sky dragons so light they rarely touch the ground, the rarest star dragons which sometimes visit us from beyond the heavens, shadow dragons whose detection eludes even skilled wizards unless they want to be seen... A year ago, the elder brother of one of our students came upon a dying Romanian mountain dragon. This dragon had its side torn apart, burst open just as if by the attack of this type of creature which you claim is one of those new to this world. This dragon's last four words were "stop", and those three words which you say are part of the beast's attack. I believe you are honest in describing this new creature, and it would be good of Professor Snape to assist you in preparing the class to defend against it." "I still don't like this," Snape said. "I'll let you know when I've made my decision." With that, he hastily left the room. "Hmm." Dumbledore more calmly walked towards the exit, then stopped as something caught his attention. "Is that a coffee stain on this book?" "Yeah. It was thirsty." "Ah, yes. This one gets that way sometimes." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tangaroa led the students out into a fairly open area not too far from the main Hogwarts building and had them stand a few feet apart. "I've called you out here for a special exercise today, but first I want you to remember what I said about Jello Beasts in the classroom yesterday. Who can tell me how you can defend against their air burst attack without using any magic?" Hermione raised a hand. Tang pointed to her, and she spoke. "The Jello Beast uses an active detection spell, like sonar, to detect its targets. Even people with no magical abilities can sense when they are being detected. Fortunately, there is a delay between when you hear the spell and when the Jello Beast gets the message back that it has seen you. Because of this delay, and a further delay in the Jello Beast's casting its attack spell, if you're quick enough, you can--" Suddenly, Hermione stopped talking as the entire group of students felt the coarse voice of Professor Snape whispering in their minds: o/~ I luv you... o/~ The students panicked, some bolting and diving, others standing in wide-eyed shock. Tangaroa momentarily touched a hand to his forehead as a slight headache took on, then refocused his attention on his pupils and smiled. "Okay. You, you, you, you, you, you, and you are dead." "What?" protested an officially deceased student. "That wasn't fair!" "Neither is war," Tangaroa said. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "That was Snape's voice today," Hermione pointed out to Harry and Ron as they walked away from class. "I think we should visit him and ask about who this Professor Tangaroa is." "What for?" Ron asked. Hermione continued her thoughts. "If this Tangaroa is in league with he who should not be named, then we should be ready for it when he tries to do something." "Maybe he who should not be named isn't going to do anything this year." Harry suggested. "Yeah!" Ron agreed. "Maybe nobody's going to try to kill Harry this year, and we just have a weird teacher." "I think we should ask about him just to be on the safe side," Hermione said. Coincidentally, they had just arrived at Snape's office, so she knocked on the door. "Professor Snape?" The door unlatched itself and slowly creaked open on its own. The three students quietly stepped into Snape's office, greeted by the back of a tall chair on the opposite side of Snape's desk. The chair revolved around -- even though it hadn't built as a revolving chair, but this is Hogwarts, so no big deal there -- and revealed an offsettingly calm and serene Severus Snape reclining comfortably in the chair, slowly petting a white kitten. "Why, hello students," Snape smiled. "I wasn't expecting the pleasure of seeing you here. What can I do for you?" The wide-eyed students stood frozen in shock and fear. "Umm... Professor Snape.." Hermione started. "Yes..?" Snape smiled, gently scritching the kitten behind its ears. "We would like to ask you about our new professor, Professor Tangaroa. Is he in league with he should not be named?" "Barney?" asked Tangaroa, who was suddenly standing behind them. "Oops, I shouldn't have mentioned his name. That just makes him more powerful." "No, Voldemort," said Ron. "Oops, I shouldn't have mentioned his name either. Same reason." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Deep in the darkest dungeons underneath Hogwarts, there was a momentary flash of lightning and Barney the Dinosaur appeared. "Yes! By the loose tongue of some fool who spoke my name, I gained just enough power to finally return to this world, a world that I shall now rule forever! This time no one will stop me, least of all the Jihad! Huh-hyulk!" There was another flash of lightning, and Voldemort appeared. "Yes! By the loose tongue of some fool who spoke my name, I gained just enough power to finally return to this world, a world that I shall now rule forever! This time no one will stop me, least of all Harry Potter! Ha ha.. huh?" Voldemort was surprised to feel a talon tapping him on the shoulder. He turned around and looked up into a demonic lizardine maw filled with tooth. "Hi, there! Hyulk! Would you like to be my special friend?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A high-pitched whine echoed across the Hogwarts library and a bright light reached to the ceiling as the scanner's electronic eye passed over the book Tangaroa was holding down on it. When the machine had finished its job, Tang turned over the book and compared the runes etched upon its pages to the blank image that came up on his laptop computer. "Okay, you bastard, I'm getting you one way or another." 'Want to bet?', the markings rearranged themselves to. Tang placed the book on the glass again, slightly adjusting the magic he was using on it to try to overpower it. "Reveal yourself!" he commanded, which wasn't part of the spell but just felt right to say. When the scanner was done, he looked at the result on the computer screen. 'Help!' the image said. "Very funny." Tangaroa said. "I like a book with a sense of humour." He turned over the book and nearly dropped it in shock. 'I luv you'. The markings quickly rearranged themselves, then jumbled between messages as if in conflict. 'You weakened me'. 'Barney luvs you'. 'I can't fight it anymore'. 'You luv Barney'. Tangaroa dug out headphones from his carrying bag, hooked them to the computer, placed the ears on the book, and set XMMS to play Guns and Roses - You Could Be Mine at high volume. After the good riff leading into the lyrics, Tang removed the headphones. 'You call that music these days?' the book now read. "What happened?" Tang asked angrily. "Were you playing around?" 'It's back.' "Where is it coming from?" 'It's everywhere.' It was. Tang noticed it too. He dropped the book and dashed out of the room, pushing buttons on his Jihadlinker. Once he opened a link, he started reporting. "Message for Mal, CC to Triums. We may have a major situation on our hands..." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Harry and Ron returned to the Gryffindor dormitory with smirks on their faces, Ron several steps ahead of Harry who was carrying his books flat in front of him in an abnormally careful and steady manner. Ron rushed forward and fetched Hermione. "Hey! Hermione!" Harry began unwrapping the Invisibility Cloak from the bundle on top of his books, revealing a succulent triple-layer chocolate cake with thick fudge frosting and enough forks, plates, and napkins to serve to a small party. Hermione's eyes went wide. "You walked off with half a triple chocolate cake!" Harry grinned. "We actually walked off with a whole cake, but then Ron and I sat down. In short, there are plenty of leftovers if you want them." "No, thanks," Hermione declined. "I absolutely gorged myself on a banana split, and I don't think I have room for a single bite." "You should still have room for a slice of cake," Harry offered. "Especially cake this good!" Ron added. "Well..." Hermione explained, "it was the third banana split that I gorged myself on. The first two were just for practice." The three of them being fully satiated, Harry offered the cake to the rest of the house. "Does anybody want some chocolate cake? We've got plenty here." Surprisingly, nobody rushed over to take them up on the offer. "It's really good cake, guys!" Ron pleaded. "And we risked a lot of trouble to steal it for us!" One of their classmates shouted back. "No way! Cake is un-Hellthy, and Barney says we need to eat Hellthy snacks!" As the rest of the dorm milled about carrying Barney dolls under their arms and, in some cases, sucking their thumbs, Ron turned to Harry. "Have you noticed something odd about our housemates lately?" Hermione answered. "I've noticed it these past few days." "Yeah..." Harry said. "It's strange. I think we should go see Dumbledore." "Is it that important?" Hermione asked. The house began singing the Hellwyrm Chant. "Yes," Harry said, standing. "We definitely need to get out of here." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tang and Snape nearly collided into each other as they arrived at Dumbedore's chambers in similar hurries from opposite directions. "What is going on here?" Snape angrily queried the new teacher. "I'd like to know too. I need to see Dumbledore." Tang lunged past Snape and pushed open the door. A bleary-eyed Dumbledore was slumped back in a chair, a mostly empty bottle of whiskey perched on his lap. "Good!" Tangaroa said. "You remembered that alcohol holds back the effects of the demon's enchantments." "Mmh. Yes," Dumbledore mumbled, "of course." "What is causing this?" Snape asked. Tangaroa quickly interjected. "I know what's causing it, where's it coming from?" "The basement," Dumbledore wearily answered. "These evil things always come from the basement." Just then, Harry, Hermione, and Ron showed up. "What's going on?" Harry asked. Snape glowered. "We should ask Professor Tangaroa." Tang reached inside his coat. "You kids had your dessert for the night? Or maybe coffee? Or tea?" The three held their stomachs as Ron spoke for them. "Believe me, we've had dessert for the night and the last few we missed." Tangaroa produced a bottle of Jolt and handed it to Snape. "Here. This will help. Which way to the basement?" Snape stared at the offering for a confused moment before accepting it and starting off out the door. "This way." As they walked down the great stairway, the enchanted paintings shouted out enticements. "Barney loves you!" "We all love Barney!" "Won't you be Barney's special friend?" "Let's hurry up." Tang said. The group double-timed it as the paintings collectively began singing the Hellwyrm Chant. "It's a demon from another dimension." Tang explained once they were far enough away from the noise. "He uses the song as a way of controlling the minds of mortals, but I've never seen it like this before. It's like his powers are somehow being amplified, like by another powerful being." "Voldemort." Harry said. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Soon enough, they came to a locked door leading down into the deeper sectors of the basement. Snape pointed his wand at the barrier and shouted the spell "ALOHOMORA!" Instead of it opening the door, a bolt of energy shot from the lock and threw his wand out of his hand. "It's magically sealed," Snape concluded, turning to reach for his wand on the floor. "I'll have to use a more powerful spell." Tang started forward, one hand raised towards the door. "Let's see if I could..." "I know a more powerful spell!" Hermione volunteered. Tangaroa obligingly stepped back. Hermione pointed her wand at the door and shouted her spell. "UNLAUGKUM DADAMDORUM!" The latch burst apart and the door flew open as if it had been hit by a powerful force. Snape raised his eyebrows. "And where did a little girl like you learn such powerful words as those?" Tangaroa answered. "I often see her in the library when I'm, uh, studying. She's a good student." Snape raised his eyebrows even further. "You've been giving her access to the advanced materials? There are things that can warp a witch's mind if she's young and unprepared." "She's a good student." Tangaroa shrugged. Hermione added to Tang's simple defense. "We both study a lot. I often see Professor Tangaroa scanning... scanning over our older books, so he knows what kind of a threat they might pose to students." "Yes," Tangaroa continued. "And we made an agreement that I'll let her read advanced texts that I've determined are mostly harmless, under my supervision, of course." "Hmm." Snape turned and led the group forward into the deeper levels of the Hogwarts basement. Away from the residents, the Hellwyrm Chant grew softer and more manageable, and there was less of a chance they'd get jumped from behind by some recently spongified wizard. That's why it was a total surprise when the lights went out. "Harry is mine!" shouted an angry voice. "But I love children!" shouted an annoying voice. "LUMOS MAXIMUS!" shouted four other voices in unison. For Tang's part, he silently cast a few light ball spells of his own manufacture. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- When the darkness cleared, Snape and Tangaroa found themselves facing Voldemort, with the children -- and B'harnii -- nowhere to be seen. Snape and Voldemort quick-drew their wands. "EXPELLIARMUS!" Snape shouted, the disarming spell knocking Voldemort's wand out of his hand. However, Voldemort had already drawn a second wand with his other hand and soon shouted a spell at the target he knew, Snape. "EXPELLIARMUS!" Snape was thrown backwards several feet, wondering in his moment in the air why a disarming spell always did this to him before he landed with an uncomfortable thud. Voldemort aimed at the other wizard and repeated the spell. "EXPELLIARMUS!" Tang raised an arm and cast his Shield spell, expecting to hear the sound of an impact hitting it. Instead, he heard the click of his wand hitting the ceiling after having leapt vertically from his belt. Tang dropped the shield, caught the wand as it fell, and returned it his belt. "A natural," Voldemort curiously inspected his opposition. "You don't even reach for your wand to attack or defend yourself." "I don't need it to take care of you," Tang boasted. "Such impressive bluster," Voldemort grinned. "However, I've picked up some tricks while I was on the other side. You'll find that I don't need my wand either." He put his wand away, crouched, and cupped his hands together at one hip. "I should warn you; your little shield isn't going to protect you from this one. KAME..." An energy ball formed between Voldemort's hands, and grew as he chanted the rest of the spell. "HA...ME..." Tangaroa plucked his wand from his belt, twirled it in his fingers, and leveled it at Voldemort. "EXPECTO PATRONUM." The Patronum shot out from his wand in a a great silvery burst, overpowering Voldemort's Kame-Hameha wave and throwing the villain against the wall. Snape quickly threw an enchanted empty spellbook at the stunned Voldemort and followed up with his own spell. "BOOKIM DANO!" The evil wizard screamed as he was sucked into the pages of the tome, imprisoned forever or at least until the next movie. "Good job," Tangaroa said. "Let's check up on the kids." "Nice Patronum," Snape remarked to Tang. "That must have been a very good memory." "She was really hot," Tang explained. "What's her name?" Snape asked. Tang stopped to think. "I don't remember. Damn it." He reached inside his coat for a chocolate bar and started unwrapping it. "She's going to kill me if I can't remember her name." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hello, boys and girls!" B'harnii grinned as he surveyed his latest potential victims. "I love children. H-hyulk! You're going to be my newest special friends!" Harry glowered at the Hellwyrm. "We won't be friends to any ally of Voldemort." "Aww, you're not being happy! We'll need to turn that frown upside down!" B'harnii started dancing. "Sing along! o/` I luv you... you luv me... o/`" "It hurts!" Hermione winced and crouched, covering her ears. "This'll knock the wind out of him!" Ron shouted. "FLIPENDO!" The fat lizard's belly rumbled a bit as the spell hit him. The demon stared at Ron and smiled a toothy grin. "Now it's my turn!" B'harnii lunged forward and swung an arm into Ron, throwing him fifteen feet down the hall. "RON!" Hermione shouted, then turned to Harry. "We'll have to use the new spells that Professor Tangaroa taught us!" "Aww! My bestest friends don't want to cast those mean spells! Let's play a game!" From the ground, Ron picked up his wand and shouted a spell. "DISHWALLA!" A burst of water shot out at B'harnii, swirling around the purple lizard before spilling to the ground in a foam. Ron looked up at the others' quizzical expressions. "It's a new spell..." The dripping wet demon spat out a mouthful of sudsy water and raised its claws at Ron. "You'll find I'll much prefer the flavor of your innards!" B'harnii roared and charged. Hermione swished her wand in great arcs as she expertly chanted the long and complex spell. "INUUGA DADAVEEDA!" "What!?" B'harnii exclaimed as dozens of strong magical effects flittered in circles around him, pushing against him as he struggled to move in any direction. Finally, Harry raised his wand at the bloated beast. The wind swept up around the young wizard, dramatically tossing his hair about as he shouted the magic words. "METALICA KIXYORAS!" "NOOOOOO!" the trapped Hellwyrm shouted as its physical being faded into transparency and finally disappeared. Just then, Snape and Tangaroa jogged into the chamber. "Is everyone all right?" Snape asked. "I seem to be," Ron said, picking himself up off the floor. "Where's the demon?" Tang asked. "Harry sent him back into his own dimension!" Hermione gleefully announced. "Excellent." Tang smiled, and pulled out his JihadLinker to give Mal the good news. "I'll need report this in to my people... Hmm. I probably don't get reception down here." Hermione pointed her wand at the 'Linker. "CELLULUS MAXIMUS." Tang was surprised to see the 'Linker establish a working connection. "Thanks." Snape merely raised an eyebrow and smiled. "You kids and your crazy new spells." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- So, in the end, Tang recruited a bunch of extras who were hardly in the movie before. He was disappointed that Harry, Hermione, and Ron decided to finish their schooling at Hogwarts instead of joining the Jihad, as they would have made excellent Jihaddi -- well, at least Harry and Hermione would -- but it didn't really matter since the whole thing was destined to be retconned anyway. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- {Warrior Cecrops Tangaroa posted this to uab4d and PHP on April 1 2005}