Who are we, and what do we do?
What are these ranks and titles?
Who is in charge of the Empire?
What are your official colors?
What is your official religion?
What's all the Doberman Stuff?
Who are your members, really?
How can I join the membership?
Are there any DE Subdivisions?
Who are your Enemies and Why?
Who are all the active members?

1) What is the Doberman Empire?

The Doberman Empire is quite possibly the oldest surviving B'harneii-bashing organizations that make their collective home on the newsgroup alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die, as well as the entire Usenet. It has existed since the formative period of the Jihad, often referred to as the Golden Age, when it was founded by Fleet Commander Serbeus (retired).

Since then, we have destroyed Sponge-Minions in New York, Puerto Rico, Quebec, New Zealand, Australia, Texas, and Nova Scotia, just to list a few. No other Jihaddi military organization can match our record of success in battle.

The Empire you see today, however, is of course not the same as it once was. We have evolved over time in order to meet the changing demands of the times and to keep pace with current events within the Jihad itself.

Today, the Doberman Empire remains one of the largest JAOs. Members come from all around the globe to join in the Cause[tm] against the menace known as B'harni. We realize that the battle against the vile demon is not solely military, nor is it only philosophical. In order to wage successful combat against It of the One Tooth, a combination of military action and philosophical thought must be wrought. Steadfastness of will, clarity of thought, and presence of mind are all required that we may be ready for battle at any time.

Our Lord Grimace, he of the True color Purple, acts as our guardian and guide in all we do. The Church of Grimace ministers to our minds and souls while we work our bodies to have the strength and purity of the finest steels. When the final day of battle comes, we must be ready... in mind, body, and spirit.

Thus you see what the Doberman Empire is. It is a group of people from all places, all walks of life, and all races united in but a single Cause[tm]. We are strengthened and guided by our faith. Most of all, though, we are fierce, honorable, and courageous in the face of adversity. Such is the Glory of Grimace, and thereby the Empire as well.

2) What are all these names and titles I see associated with you guys?

Those are our ranks and names. With each increase in rank, we receive an additional name, indicating our rank and ability.

The names are given by the Doberman High Council until such time as the rank of Commander is reached, at which point the new Commander may select his/her own name. These names are the names of the great warriors of history, legend, and literature, and serve to remind us of the weight of the Goal towards which we work.

Promotions are based on prowess in battle, as well as the consitency and quality of our posts. First and foremost, though, is dedication to and sacrifice for, the Cause™. If we are to succeed, we must all endeavor to do our part.

The ranks are, from lowest to highest:

3) Who is in charge?

The Doberman High Council, currently headed by Fleet Commander Samhain, decides on admittances and major policy changes. The Fleet Commander suggests actions and ideas for the Commanders to carry out and see followed, and the Commanders in turn advise the Fleet commander on policy issues and admissions. The people on the high council work closely to make sure that the empire runs smoothly. Currently, Fleet Commander Samhain and Commander Inagei comprise the High Council, which is composed of those of Commander rank and higher. In times when the Fleet Commander is away, the rest of the High council holds full authority over Empire affairs.

4) What are the official colours, insignia and uniforms of the Doberman Empire?

You either are a brave Jihaddi warrior looking for a sign of victory or a cowardly, feeble Sponge-Minion checking so that it might know when to run. In any event, the official colours of the Doberman Empire are black, brown, and orange. These are the colours of a Doberman Pinscher, for those who are unaware, and appear on our flags and banners in combat.

=-=-= Logo =-=-=

[DE Logo]

The Doberman emblem on all uniforms is an irregular hexagon, the top and bottom being longer than the other 4 sides and is bordered with a red trim line. The centre of the emblem is a black field which has two crossed, silver-colored swords, hilts at the top of the field, across it. Superimposed over their intersection is the head of a large, black Doberman, teeth clinched in a snarl and glowing with a fiery red aura. Emblazoned above the head of the snarling doberman in matching red are the words "Doberman Empire."

=-=-= Rank Insignia =-=-=

All Dobermensch rank insignia begin with the Empire Logo described above. As rank increases, additions are made to the uniform.

=-=-= Uniforms =-=-=

Troopers wear dress uniforms consisting of a black turtlneck sporting the logo on the left side of the neck as well as pleated black trousers, polished black shoes, and belt with brass buckle.

Warriors have the same black turtleneck, trousers, and shoes, but also have a wool overcoat with brass buttons. The logo and rank insignia is worn on the left shoulder (closest to the heart) with any auxiliary insignia such as the WEDJEE logo placed on the right shoulder. If no such secondary logo is present, the rank logo is also placed there.

Centurions wear largely the same uniform as the Warriors, with the exception of a narrow, red stripe down the pantlegs and epaulets bearing a single red stripe at the outside edge on the shoulders.

Commanders and the Fleet Commander also add a second stripe to the epaulets as well as the appropriate stars.

All Dobermensch wear paramilitary gear for battle. Black or camo fatigue pants plus flak jackets are standard, but exceptions are granted for special outfits and equipment such as battlearmor and mech pilot suits.

5) What is the religion of the Empire?

(note that religion is used only for purposes of fiction-writing
and is not intended for any other purpose.)

The Doberman Empire holds Grimace to be the anti-B'harneii, and therefore worships Him. The Church of Grimace is, therefore, the official religion of the Empire and the official food of the Church is the Sticky Shake™ since it is, of course, Grimace's trademark item.

Worship consists of many different things and is unique to each individual, though there are of course certain rites that are specificly written of and described by church members. Two of these rites include The Deep Pyre and the Constitutional of Providence, or CoP. Also, any and all Dobermensch can observe and worship by eating Unhealthy Snacks™ at McDonald's, fighting B'harneii, B*by B*p, B(low) J(ob) and associated Fiends, and listening to Good Music™.

Brothers in the Church of Grimace wear brown robes much like those of the monks of old and carry a staff of knotted hardwood that they use both as support and as their primary weapon during battle. They will not use firearms of any sort while in their robes, though they do posess knoweldge of and ability to use various spells for both offense and defense against the minions of B'harni. Rather than appearing overtly, much of the time they choose to utilize a secret network of passageways that crisscrosses much of the nation.

The Church of Grimace maintains its own web page that can be found at http://www.public.iastate.edu/~midnite/cog/

6) What is this Doberman stuff, anyways? Aren't Dobermans dogs?

Why yes, Virginia, a Doberman Pinscher really is a dog. In fact, various other groups have used Dobermans for the same reasons we do. For example, the US Marines have the Doberman as their official war dog.

The Doberman Pinscher is the dog that best typifies the qualities we hold dear; namely honour, duty, bravery, loyalty and fierceness. Hence we take our name from it.

7) Who are you guys, anyways?

Who are we? All Doberman Pinschers, owners thereof, and other individuals who petition the High Council for membership.

(Read: All Doberman Pinschers and their owners and others, all of whom must petition the High Council for membership or join via an invitation extended by the Fleet Commander. Ergo, if you do not petition, are not invited, or are rejected, you are NOT a member of the Doberman Empire. Therefore, Dr.(Dis)Honorable and Mikie are NOT Dobermensch, though they have claimed to be.)

8) How can I join?

[Note: we're currently not accepting applications until the High Council gets back in order - Warrior Tangaroa]

Petition for membership, of course. You will have to be not Spongified, and your petition will be read over by the Doberman High Council carefully. To petition for membership, send mail to highcouncil@iastate.edu and it will go to all those on the High Council. (And no, gaijin, we don't take bribes.)

Petitioning, simply put, means sending us a request to join, giving us a few brief reasons why you think you'd like to join us, why you think you'd fit well with us, and/or what you would do if you were admitted. It doesn't have to be eloquent or complex, just something for us to base a decision on rather than the flip of a coin.

One of the best petitions I've seen as of yet came in the form of a short story describing his experiences before the panel when he applied for membership. With his permision (and some minor editing), I'm including it here as an example.

To: highcouncil@iastate.edu
From: semaphor@fox.nstn.ca (steven slipp)
Subject: Petition for membership

"Why do you wish to become a Dobermensch, Major Canis? Your motives as a prospective member of the Doberman Empire must be known." The black and red-robed inquisitor sat behind the desk. A large poster displaying the form of Lord Grimace was pinned to the back wall, and various despongification equipment lay behind glass cases.

The Major ran a hand through his wavy brown hair. "I've seen things. Crowds of people, their minds like putty, being molded by the Hell Wyrm. I've travelled to places where the Barney-creature is worshipped, like some sort of satanic deity. I've also been hit very hard where it hurts the most. My own family has been affected by the creature--my cousins are already Sponge-minions. At times I fear for my own sanity."

The inquisitor looked at the Major. "What have you done in the past to further the Cause[tm]?"

The Major got up from the chair he was sitting in, suddenly remembering that night of horror. "There was a convention of spongies in my own town. I heard that infernal song being blared through a window of the convention building, so I went in and I replaced the tape with traditional bagpipe music from Scotland. I was nearly lynched."

"Bagpipe music?" asked the robed inquisitor. "Why?"

" 'Amazing Grace'. You know, 'I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see'?" The Major shook his head. "Only a shake from McDonald's could get that insipid tune out of my head."

The inquisitor sat up. "Ah, you were saved by Lord Grimace! He did indeed see potential in you."

"Grimace? Yes, I suppose he did save me."

The inquisitor stood. "I am impressed by what you have said. Major, I would truly like to see you among our ranks. But I have not the power to make you an official Dobermensch. I must confer with my superiors. It was nice meeting you, Major, and I hope to see you again soon."

Following his short story was some information about himself and his thoughts about B'harni the mock-dinosaur. This is but one example... use your imagination and make it an interesting read--It's greatly appreciated when you do and helps us get to know you better. =)

Oh, I suppose you'd like to know how it turned out. Major Canis was inducted into the Empire as Trooper Canis, and he still serves today.

9) Are there any subset parts of the Empire?

10) Who are your enemies, and WHY?

11) Who are *all* the Dobermensch on the Internet?

Normally, a Dobermensch is referred to by his rank and the last name listed, that being the most recent one given. At the rank of Commander, the Doberman chooses his own name.

I'm done! I'd like to return to Base Delta!

---Fleet Commander Aurelius Invid Manticore Samhain