=-=-=FAQ=-=-=
=-=-=FAQ=-=-= |
|
The Doberman Empire is quite possibly the oldest surviving B'harneii-bashing organizations that make their collective home on the newsgroup alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die, as well as the entire Usenet. It has existed since the formative period of the Jihad, often referred to as the Golden Age, when it was founded by Fleet Commander Serbeus (retired).
Since then, we have destroyed Sponge-Minions in New York, Puerto Rico, Quebec, New Zealand, Australia, Texas, and Nova Scotia, just to list a few. No other Jihaddi military organization can match our record of success in battle.
The Empire you see today, however, is of course not the same as it once was. We have evolved over time in order to meet the changing demands of the times and to keep pace with current events within the Jihad itself.
Today, the Doberman Empire remains one of the largest JAOs. Members come from all around the globe to join in the Cause[tm] against the menace known as B'harni. We realize that the battle against the vile demon is not solely military, nor is it only philosophical. In order to wage successful combat against It of the One Tooth, a combination of military action and philosophical thought must be wrought. Steadfastness of will, clarity of thought, and presence of mind are all required that we may be ready for battle at any time.
Our Lord Grimace, he of the True color Purple, acts as our guardian and guide in all we do. The Church of Grimace ministers to our minds and souls while we work our bodies to have the strength and purity of the finest steels. When the final day of battle comes, we must be ready... in mind, body, and spirit.
Thus you see what the Doberman Empire is. It is a group of people from all places, all walks of life, and all races united in but a single Cause[tm]. We are strengthened and guided by our faith. Most of all, though, we are fierce, honorable, and courageous in the face of adversity. Such is the Glory of Grimace, and thereby the Empire as well.
Those are our ranks and names. With each increase in rank, we receive an additional name, indicating our rank and ability.
The names are given by the Doberman High Council until such time as the rank of Commander is reached, at which point the new Commander may select his/her own name. These names are the names of the great warriors of history, legend, and literature, and serve to remind us of the weight of the Goal towards which we work.
Promotions are based on prowess in battle, as well as the consitency and quality of our posts. First and foremost, though, is dedication to and sacrifice for, the Cause™. If we are to succeed, we must all endeavor to do our part.
The ranks are, from lowest to highest:
Enlisteds: Footsoldiers/Extras used in story-writing. These are the men and women who fight fiercely for the Empire and Jihad as a whole in epic battles and keep everything staffed. A variety of ranks is available, including (in ascending order) :
Enlisteds are referred to by their last name. For example, if an extra's name is Boo T. Kisser, he might be referred to as Private Kisser. ;) Naval Officers are also enlisteds but have a slightly different rank structure, in ascending order :
Trooper: These are the lowest ranked of our officer corps. They command the basic units and operate in the field. All inductees into the Empire are initially Troopers.
Warrior: A platoon leader. This is the highest rank most Dobermensch will ever see; only the best (and Warriors are outstanding in their own right) will ever advance from this position.
Centurion: The leader of a batallion. There is a limit of three at any given time. These fine soldiers serve as advisers for the High Council.
Commander: Commanders make policy for the Empire. There are two Commanders maximum at any one time, and vote on all promotions and admissions, though the Fleet Commander has final say.
Fleet Commander: The Fleet Commander runs the entire Empire, with the help of the Commanders. No name change is associated with the change from the rank of Commander to that of Fleet Commander, though responsibility increases dramatically. The Fleet Commander sets policy for the Empire.
You either are a brave Jihaddi warrior looking for a sign of victory or a cowardly, feeble Sponge-Minion checking so that it might know when to run. In any event, the official colours of the Doberman Empire are black, brown, and orange. These are the colours of a Doberman Pinscher, for those who are unaware, and appear on our flags and banners in combat.
=-=-= Logo =-=-= |
|
The Doberman emblem on all uniforms is an irregular hexagon, the top and bottom being longer than the other 4 sides and is bordered with a red trim line. The centre of the emblem is a black field which has two crossed, silver-colored swords, hilts at the top of the field, across it. Superimposed over their intersection is the head of a large, black Doberman, teeth clinched in a snarl and glowing with a fiery red aura. Emblazoned above the head of the snarling doberman in matching red are the words "Doberman Empire."
Upon promotion to the rank of Warrior, Dobermensch are presented with sword of pure Jihaddium, forged with the curing process of Cypress Steel. The swords are custom-made and selected for each person. Many warriors opt to participate in the forging process, assisting the master forger however he deems appropriate. In this way, our swords are symbolic of both the Cause™ and the Empire. We fight for freedom of the individual, and it is the labor and effort of the individuals that makes the group strong. We are all different, but fight for the same Cause ™.
Troopers wear dress uniforms consisting of a black turtlneck sporting the logo on the left side of the neck as well as pleated black trousers, polished black shoes, and belt with brass buckle.
Warriors have the same black turtleneck, trousers, and shoes, but also have a wool overcoat with brass buttons. The logo and rank insignia is worn on the left shoulder (closest to the heart) with any auxiliary insignia such as the WEDJEE logo placed on the right shoulder. If no such secondary logo is present, the rank logo is also placed there.
Centurions wear largely the same uniform as the Warriors, with the exception of a narrow, red stripe down the pantlegs and epaulets bearing a single red stripe at the outside edge on the shoulders.
Commanders and the Fleet Commander also add a second stripe to the epaulets as well as the appropriate stars.
All Dobermensch wear paramilitary gear for battle. Black or camo fatigue pants plus flak jackets are standard, but exceptions are granted for special outfits and equipment such as battlearmor and mech pilot suits.
The Doberman Empire holds Grimace to be the anti-B'harneii, and therefore worships Him. The Church of Grimace is, therefore, the official religion of the Empire and the official food of the Church is the Sticky Shake™ since it is, of course, Grimace's trademark item.
Worship consists of many different things and is unique to each individual, though there are of course certain rites that are specificly written of and described by church members. Two of these rites include The Deep Pyre and the Constitutional of Providence, or CoP. Also, any and all Dobermensch can observe and worship by eating Unhealthy Snacks™ at McDonald's, fighting B'harneii, B*by B*p, B(low) J(ob) and associated Fiends, and listening to Good Music™.
Brothers in the Church of Grimace wear brown robes much like those of the monks of old and carry a staff of knotted hardwood that they use both as support and as their primary weapon during battle. They will not use firearms of any sort while in their robes, though they do posess knoweldge of and ability to use various spells for both offense and defense against the minions of B'harni. Rather than appearing overtly, much of the time they choose to utilize a secret network of passageways that crisscrosses much of the nation.
The Church of Grimace maintains its own web page that can be found at http://www.public.iastate.edu/~midnite/cog/
Why yes, Virginia, a Doberman Pinscher really is a dog. In fact, various other groups have used Dobermans for the same reasons we do. For example, the US Marines have the Doberman as their official war dog.
The Doberman Pinscher is the dog that best typifies the qualities we hold dear; namely honour, duty, bravery, loyalty and fierceness. Hence we take our name from it.
Who are we? All Doberman Pinschers, owners thereof, and other individuals who petition the High Council for membership.
(Read: All Doberman Pinschers and their owners and others, all of whom must petition the High Council for membership or join via an invitation extended by the Fleet Commander. Ergo, if you do not petition, are not invited, or are rejected, you are NOT a member of the Doberman Empire. Therefore, Dr.(Dis)Honorable and Mikie are NOT Dobermensch, though they have claimed to be.)
[Note: we're currently not accepting applications until the High Council gets back in order - Warrior Tangaroa]
Petition for membership, of course. You will have to be not Spongified, and your petition will be read over by the Doberman High Council carefully. To petition for membership, send mail to highcouncil@iastate.edu and it will go to all those on the High Council. (And no, gaijin, we don't take bribes.)
Petitioning, simply put, means sending us a request to join, giving us a few brief reasons why you think you'd like to join us, why you think you'd fit well with us, and/or what you would do if you were admitted. It doesn't have to be eloquent or complex, just something for us to base a decision on rather than the flip of a coin.
One of the best petitions I've seen as of yet came in the form of a short story describing his experiences before the panel when he applied for membership. With his permision (and some minor editing), I'm including it here as an example.
"Why do you wish to become a Dobermensch, Major Canis? Your motives as a prospective member of the Doberman Empire must be known." The black and red-robed inquisitor sat behind the desk. A large poster displaying the form of Lord Grimace was pinned to the back wall, and various despongification equipment lay behind glass cases.
The Major ran a hand through his wavy brown hair. "I've seen things. Crowds of people, their minds like putty, being molded by the Hell Wyrm. I've travelled to places where the Barney-creature is worshipped, like some sort of satanic deity. I've also been hit very hard where it hurts the most. My own family has been affected by the creature--my cousins are already Sponge-minions. At times I fear for my own sanity."
The inquisitor looked at the Major. "What have you done in the past to further the Cause[tm]?"
The Major got up from the chair he was sitting in, suddenly remembering that night of horror. "There was a convention of spongies in my own town. I heard that infernal song being blared through a window of the convention building, so I went in and I replaced the tape with traditional bagpipe music from Scotland. I was nearly lynched."
"Bagpipe music?" asked the robed inquisitor. "Why?"
" 'Amazing Grace'. You know, 'I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see'?" The Major shook his head. "Only a shake from McDonald's could get that insipid tune out of my head."
The inquisitor sat up. "Ah, you were saved by Lord Grimace! He did indeed see potential in you."
"Grimace? Yes, I suppose he did save me."
The inquisitor stood. "I am impressed by what you have said. Major, I would truly like to see you among our ranks. But I have not the power to make you an official Dobermensch. I must confer with my superiors. It was nice meeting you, Major, and I hope to see you again soon."
Following his short story was some information about himself and his thoughts about B'harni the mock-dinosaur. This is but one example... use your imagination and make it an interesting read--It's greatly appreciated when you do and helps us get to know you better. =)
Oh, I suppose you'd like to know how it turned out. Major Canis was inducted into the Empire as Trooper Canis, and he still serves today.
B'harneii is annoying; we know that, and I'm sure you do too. But there's more than that.
In our fictional and role-play (satire) universe, B'harneii is evil incarnate. He's overmarketed in an attempt by his minions on Earth, the Lyons Group, to desensitise us from his evil. B'harneii is a very dangerous extra-dimensional being hellbent on destroying the world in which we live in, and using it as a playground of sorts for his equally evil "Special Friends," which include B*by B*p, B*J*, and various Loved Ones and Sponge-Minions.
In reality, B'harni teaches numerous things that we feel are highly dangerous to children. For example, in one episode he refers to "a stranger as a friend you haven't met" which obviously leaves kids open for all sorts of freaks and wierdos out there these days. In another, he has the kids go out and actually CATCH BEES. Only AFTER one of them gets stung does he say anything about it. Naturally, if a child is allergic to bee stings, this is also highly dangerous. What will the child remember after the show--the fun and glee of chasing the bees, or what happens if you DO catch one? These are only the tip of the iceberg. Join us, email us, or read further discussion on the subject.
There are the Massive Morphine Puker Strangers (aka Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers). These people are allies of B'harneii, and are the equally sickening and cheesy show that children graduate to when B'harneii goes looking for younger victims. Phasers set to kill for these bozos.
There is alt dot bigfoot (aka the 'footers). They invade unsuspecting newsgroups, like rec.pets.cats, alt.flame, alt.evil and our beloved alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die for shits and giggles and post really feeble "flames," if you can call them that. We've trounced them outrepeatedly and will do so again if deemed necessary.
Henry McDaniel III and his "New Jihad" or "New Mecca" also fall into the category of Empire enemies. Mr. McDaniel wishes to create his own little Jihad and dominate the world with it, with you-know-who in charge. McDaniel has tried many times to divide the Jihad with his mythical claims of superiourity. He has advocated real-life violence against anyone who likes B'harni, which is neither our ideal nor our goal.
Blockbuster Video ( written by Centurion Cerberus ) - First of all, a lot of the marketing strategy that they teach their Cust. Service Reps is geared towards kids. To quote a Store Mgr at a meeting when discussing prebooks of _Aristocats_, "If you've got the kids, you've got the parents, and they have the money."
Pretty disgusting, huh? They place the candy and kids' stuff in highly visible areas all over the store so that the parents can't walk more than 5 meters without the kids screaming for something or other.
Plus, they sold Santa B'Harnii plushies over last Xmas season. I had to stare those li'l bastards in the plushy eyes every night for 3 months, until we sold them all.
So basically, they gear themselves partially towards the kids, billing themselves as a 'family store'...and yet, they have flicks like 'Animal Instincts 3: The Seductress' not 4 meters from the Kids' new releases. Can you say double-standard??
Basically, they're another prime example of the exploitive commercialism that has become a trademark of our society, and is the cornerstone of empires like B'harnii, and Saban Inc.
Last but not lest, there's "Ennio Phillips" who attempted to subvert the Empire for his own causes, usurp control, and throw out the Fleet Commander. He failed, and paid for it.
Normally, a Dobermensch is referred to by his rank and the last name listed, that being the most recent one given. At the rank of Commander, the Doberman chooses his own name.
I'm done! I'd like to return to Base Delta!